You’re just one of the girls

Although he believes he is slick and no one is on to his act, he’s not that hard to spot from a mile away.  We’re on to every one of his scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, flimflams, stratagems, and bamboozles.  No self respecting man’s man would ever want to try out that hot new tea house down the street, get excited about going shoe shopping, or have a Sex and the City viewing party with themed cosmos.  He’s attempting to put time in with the girls in the slim hopes that one of them will eventually think of him as more than a friend.  He acts like he’s just one of the girls, but we know better.

She says it happens to everyone

Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.

You got owned by nature

“Fresh beauty opens one’s eyes wherever it is really seen, but the very abundance and completeness of the common beauty that besets our steps prevents its being absorbed and appreciated.  It is a good thing, therefore, to make short excursions now and then to the bottom of the sea among dulse and coral, or up among the clouds on mountain-tops, or in balloons, or even to creep like worms into dark holes and caverns underground, not only to learn something of what is going on in those out-of-the-way places, but to see better what the sun sees on our return to common every-day beauty.” – John Muir (environmentalist, conservationist, and father of the Nation Parks)

No offense Mr. Muir, but if Manifest Destiny and Steven Colbert through his book “I Am America (and So Can You!)” have taught us anything, it’s that we must dominate both nature and animal.  Otherwise, we better be prepared for some Jurassic Park and 2012 type chaos.

That is, except for him.  So much for being the master of his own domain because he just got owned by nature.  He better watch out because FernGully and the Na’vi are pissed and they’re looking to take their revenge.

You are a clerk at an adult bookstore

Not that anyone from YMBTGI has ever been to an adult bookstore (cough, averted gaze, scratching the back of our neck…), but this is how we would picture him behind the counter: DJ Qualls and Clint Howard had a child through some miracle of science, then Anne Ramsey (better known as Ma Fratelli from The Goonies) had a child with Steve Buscemi, and somehow in the not too distant future the two disturbing babies hooked up and gave birth to him.

What he lacks in appearance aside, he is able to impress with his almost ubiquitous knowledge of adult movies and “accessories”.  He can point you in the right direction for just about anything you want, could possibly want, and now wish you had never heard of after he showed it to you that one time.  Whatever you do, don’t ask him what he has in the back for his favorite customers.  But hey, if you do ask for some reason, at least you’ll find out how to delicately wrap a package in non-descript plain brown paper.

You don’t enjoy awesomely bad movies

What do you do when you get together with your friends for movie night?  Oh, I’m sorry that all of us aren’t as up to date on the latest “it” indie flick or critically acclaimed films that are supposedly shoe-ins for Oscars as your circle of friends.

Some of us like acting that wouldn’t be fit for early 90s tv movies of the week, insanely ridiculous plot lines that often involve inconsistencies and unexplainable yet humorous holes, and home-made quality special effects that high school drama geeks could have one-upped with jimmy rigged props made in their basements.  Some of us like movies that are so bad, cheesy, and borderline unwatchable that they are phenomenally great and must be both revered while at the same time mocked.  Some of us simply like awesomely bad movies.

You take your laptop to a coffee house and set up shop

Remember the good ole days?  Coffee meant coffee and there were no venti, half-caf, 140° soy orange mocha lattes with dairy-free, non-fat whip cream, and a dusting of organic nutmeg.  You’d go to a coffee shop for the coffee and to read the paper; not to hold business meetings or multitask on the phone.  You use to not care about the artwork on the walls or the latest house music hit playing on the store’s radio.  And you certainly didn’t set up shop with your laptop.

He could be working in an office, at the library, or on a desk just about anywhere else.  But where’s the show in that?  He needs to be able to walk into the place and announce his arrival by asking everyone present where the closest outlet is.  Depending on the store’s set up, this may give him an opening to begin moving around furniture or draping his power cord across multiple tables.  He takes his time milking this set up process so everyone knows that he’s marking his territory and setting up shop at that table.  And not to let the spotlight leave him just yet, he needs to ask those sitting around him if the place has free wi-fi or if they are able to pick up a signal from the apartments upstairs.

So what exactly is he up to?  Probably not surfing the internet or checking his email because he already has a smart phone for that.  Perhaps shopping online, but that is unlikely because he doesn’t have much cash after spending ten dollars on coffee drinks every time he shows up with his lap top.  Maybe he’s a very important businessman conducting very important business.  Or maybe he’s taking some time off to find himself and write the great American novel.  As Stewie Griffin so aptly put it, “How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on?  Huh?  Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there?  Gotta, gotta nice litte story you’re working on there?  Your big novel you’ve been working on for three years?  Huh?  Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist?  Yeah?  Gotta obstacle for him to overcome?  Huh?  Gotta story brewing there?  Working on, working on that for quite some time?  Huh?  Yea, talking about that that years ago.  Been working on that the whole time?  Nice little narrative?  Beginning, middle, and end?  Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends?  At the end your main character is richer from the experience?  Yeah?  Yeah?  No, no, you deserve some time off.”

You are addicted to texting

OMG – ROTFLMAO!  After reading your last text, IHMAIWD.  No I will not sext with you and if you ask me one more time I’m getting rid of my phone and going to try to bring back pagers.  Just SMITF and get it over with.

You enjoyed the office party a little too much

Who needs the respect and admiration of your coworkers when you can clumsily grope the boss’ wife, thrown up in the office ficus, photocopy and subsequently send out copies of your junk to the company’s biggest clients, and pass out on the couch in the break room?

Tis the season to be drunk and tacky.

You’re always trying to bum a cigarette off someone

Smoking is dangerous for your health because if you ask me one more time if I can spare a cigarette I’m going to punch you square in the balls.

You just don’t get the joke

The set-up, timing, and delivery were perfect.  The punch line was a guaranteed laugh riot.  The past ninety-nine times you have told the joke it has killed and had people rolling around on the floor in stitches.  That joke is so funny that the last time you told it, one of your friends had a little pee squirt out they were laughing so hard.  But lucky for you, on the centennial anniversary of your first telling the joke, you get to tell it to him.

He doesn’t have the best sense of humor; in fact, he has no sense of humor at all.  You repeat it.  You tell it slower.  You even take the time to explain all facets of the joke and why he should find it funny.  However, this is all to no avail.  No matter what you do or how hard you try, he’ll always be the guy that just doesn’t get it.