You just don’t get the joke

The set-up, timing, and delivery were perfect.  The punch line was a guaranteed laugh riot.  The past ninety-nine times you have told the joke it has killed and had people rolling around on the floor in stitches.  That joke is so funny that the last time you told it, one of your friends had a little pee squirt out they were laughing so hard.  But lucky for you, on the centennial anniversary of your first telling the joke, you get to tell it to him.

He doesn’t have the best sense of humor; in fact, he has no sense of humor at all.  You repeat it.  You tell it slower.  You even take the time to explain all facets of the joke and why he should find it funny.  However, this is all to no avail.  No matter what you do or how hard you try, he’ll always be the guy that just doesn’t get it.

You made out with your cousin that one time

It was a magical night back on Nana and Pop-pop’s 50^th wedding anniversary.  The sights, the sounds, the ambiance.  It was a night to remember for more than one reason.

The evening started off a little slow as he had to make the rounds catching up with all the seldom seen relatives.  His cousin Jeff just got into law school.  Meghan, his third cousin twice removed, just had her second kid.  Uncle Mort recovered from his broken hip just in time to make it.  Thank goodness for the open bar or he would have thrown himself under Grandpa Pete’s motorized wheelchair just to get away from it all.

That was until he saw her from across the room.  It wasn’t so much that when their eyes met it was like two star-crossed lovers passing in the night.  No, when their eyes met, he could tell.  He could tell that it was on and was going to be a good night.  He’s seen the look she gave him before.  It’s the look that he has often given the ladies.  There’s no getting around it, she just eye-fucked the shit out of him.

Three drinks, two dances, and about a minute of small talk later, they were in the coat room going at it like a couple of teens in the back of a prom night limo after splitting a fifth of Peach Schnapps.  It was one of those sloppy make-outs where you just want to go up to them and say slow down turbo (that is, if you could actually stomach walking in on them).  Seven minutes in heaven later, they composed themselves and walked out to rejoin the festivities.

After a little over the clothes groping, he thought it would only be polite to ask her name.  Jennifer.  Feeling obligated, he followed up.  So Jennifer, where are you from?  Ohio.  Oh, I’ve got some relatives there.  Where in Ohio are you from?  Columbus.  What a coincidence, that’s where my Aunt Lois is from.  That’s weird; my mom’s name is Lois.  Huh.  By any chance, is your uncle’s name Stewart?  Yeah, about that… things just got a whole mess of awkward.

After this genetic disaster wrapped in a familial fiasco topped with a sprinkling of shame, we’re pretty sure you can take their names off the guest list for next summer’s family reunion in Palm Springs.

You wear a fedora

Congratulations, it appears you have successfully invented the world’s first time machine and traveled back to the year 2002 in order to steal Justin Timberlake’s sense of style.  Why don’t you cry me a river because you certainly aren’t bringing sexyback any time soon.

While you’re at it, why don’t you use your time machine to stop by the late 80s to warn young you that the hi-top fade, rope chain, and MC Hammer pants look won’t last either.

You collect dolls, I mean action figures

If you ever need to locate him, look no further than Dumbledore’s at Diagon Alley – the local comic book store.  He’s a part time clerk and lords over the place like it is his own personal Middle-earth.  With a supercilious attitude, he presides over the store pointing out story line inconsistencies and visual flaws in the newest releases.  Think Comic Book Guy, sans the wit and sarcasm.

He has amassed a collection of rare and vintage action figures that rivals only that of Steve Carell’s character, Andy Stitzer, in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.  Sure, he’s got Steve Austin and Oscar Goldman.  But unlike Andy, he’s got the even more obscure Six Million Dollar Man character action figure – Peggy Callahan, secretary to Oscar Goldman.

In addition to the obvious characters from Marvel Comics and DC Comics, he has figures from lesser known sources such as the graphic novels of Frank Miller, anime, and manga.  Plus, he collects quite a bit of underground and obscure material that you haven’t even heard of so he won’t take the time to even explain it to you.

Similar to Andy, he “lives alone… enjoys video games, [has a] framed a poster of eighties rock band Asia, and his social life seems to consist of watching Survivor with his elderly neighbors.”  Now that we think about it some more, he is also forty years old and still a virgin.  Huh.  That’s a not so surprising coincidence we are in no way shocked to realize.  If that’s the case, I wonder if he has his own personal copy of Boner Jams ‘09 – a mixtape of all his favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2009…

Your kid is cooler than you

As a parent, all you can do is work hard, teach them well, and hope for the best.  Sometimes your kids don’t turn out quite as you hope they would but you love them regardless.  Sometimes you luck out and they’re upstanding citizens and productive members of society.  And other times, they don’t listen to a word you say, look and act like Bizarro you, and people wonder how you two are related.  In this case, it sucks to be you because your kid just turned out cooler than you.  Now make yourself scarce and go get him a juice box, little man and I have some business to discuss.

You multitask in the bathroom

He’s all for efficiency and saving both time and resources.  He’s no time thief.  On a daily basis, he asks himself “…for every decision [I] make, is this good for the company?  Am I helping with the company’s strategic vision?”

That’s great he is so committed to the company and what he does. But really, can he not take a five minute break for a little personal time?  We’ve all had that sinking suspicion that when we’re on the phone with him, something isn’t quite right.  There’s an odd echo.  His voice periodically sounds like he is straining.  You’re hearing noises that you shouldn’t hear on a regular phone call.  You wonder to yourself if the call signals got crossed.  Sadly no, your deepest and darkest fear has come true.  He has been multitasking while in the bathroom.

Although we’re sure (i.e. hope and pray) he washed his hands when he was done and used a hand wipe on his electronic gadgets, just to be in the free, don’t ask if you can use his phone or laptop.  And no sir, I will not shake your hand.  I have no interest in a 0.0000000001% chance of an inadvertent stink palm.

You’ve gotten a little too comfortable in your relationship

It’s one thing that they do all the annoying couple things that we hate to see – finish each others sentences, eat off of each others plates without asking, have couple inside jokes, and show more unnecessary and disgusting pda than the Hot Tub Lovers from Saturday Night Live.

However, they have been together so long that it’s arguable that they’ve gotten a little too comfortable in their relationship.  The mystery is gone and the curtain has lifted:

- They’ve started to watch the same tv shows.  Here’s their TiVo show list: Glee, MANswers, American Idol, Secret Girlfriend, So You Think You Can Dance, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Project Runway.  Surprisingly, the last one is his choice because he thinks Tim Gunn has a “snappy sense of style” and is a “great mentor figure for the designers.”

- They’ve started to dress alike.  Guess which one is wearing Lane Bryant stretch pants and who’s wearing sweat pants, they’ll never tell.  And who can forget Kangol – thank goodness for their matching his and hers tracks suits that come with complementary newsie hats.

- Hygiene has been thrown out the door.  Let’s just leave it at that.

- They’ve adopted the same mannerism.  She watches tv with one hand down her pants and he tries on multiple outfits before heading out to get “just the right look.”

- They’ve imparted useless knowledge upon each other.  He finally knows where the Oyster Fork is located on a formal place setting and she can identify his favorite football team’s “Strong Right Motion 84 Pass-Pitch” play by how the players line up from the huddle.

- Last and not least, they’ve begun to use the bathroom with the door open.  There’s no secrets between them after this.  When visiting them, make sure to never show up unannounced or let your curiosity get the best of you and go into the bathroom with your eyes open.  There are no winners in that game.

You yell at the screen in the movie theater

No!  Don’t go in there!  They’re right behind you!  That’s what she said!  Run, bitch, run!

He has modeled his movie going experience after Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show.  Thinking it is his own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and he’s sitting front row center between Crow and Servo, he throws up zingers and one liners like the actors in the movie can actually hear him.  Hopefully he’s at a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show because if not, his “audience participation” will be frowned upon more than when he tries to discretely take that ever so important phone call an hour into the movie.

No, we don’t care if the actor is obviously going to get killed when they walk into the deserted cabin.  It makes sense that they are slowly searching closets on the second floor of the house whose power has been cut when there is a serial killer on the loose.  Of course the scantily clad sorority girl will be able to outrun the killer through the woods and there’s no chance at all that she’ll trip, fall, and twist an ankle.  Really, what could go wrong with midnight skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

You are not a good dancer

Although he thinks that with his dance and breaking skills he should be in the finals of the Red Bull BC One b-boy battle, when he gets out on the dance floor the question arises as to who will get hurt first – him or those dancing around him.  Although he has “mastered” the likes of the Electric Slide, the Hustle, and the YMCA dance, people often ask if he is okay when he dances because it appears to the casual onlooker that he is having some type of seizure on the dance floor.  God forbid if he ever discovers MTV or Youtube because I don’t know if we can handle his loose (and by loose I mean train wreck) interpretations of Jerkin’, the Stanky Legg, the Ricky Bobby, or Swag Surfin’.

You try too hard

Nice cowboy hat and belt buckle.  What’s up Marlboro Man?  You get that hat from the farm?  No.  Oh, I see, it was a gift from your niece who picked it up from the swag table at the Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus concert last week.  And that belt with the oversized, almost novelty, belt buckle – did you win it at the rodeo or from the turkey shoot at the county fair?  It was an impulse buy from near the register at Abercrombie & Fitch.  At 36, aren’t you a little old to be shopping there?  But we digress.

That’s great that you order table service and the most expensive bottle in the place, but didn’t you look around and realize this is a dive bar?  That 22 oz. Budweiser Select big beer was a good choice for someone with such discerning taste and a refined palate.  Oh, this is a fine dining establishment and martini bar.  You look like a tool ordering the $350 drink made with Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac, Dom Pérignon champagne, a dash of orange liquor, and garnished with a sapphire in the bottom of the glass to impress the already drunk bar fly cougar he has been hitting on all night.  ‘Nuff said.

Yep, he’s an all around classy dude.  Needless to say, keep on trying.