You enjoyed the office party a little too much

Who needs the respect and admiration of your coworkers when you can clumsily grope the boss’ wife, thrown up in the office ficus, photocopy and subsequently send out copies of your junk to the company’s biggest clients, and pass out on the couch in the break room?

Tis the season to be drunk and tacky.

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You try too hard

Nice cowboy hat and belt buckle.  What’s up Marlboro Man?  You get that hat from the farm?  No.  Oh, I see, it was a gift from your niece who picked it up from the swag table at the Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus concert last week.  And that belt with the oversized, almost novelty, belt buckle – did you win it at the rodeo or from the turkey shoot at the county fair?  It was an impulse buy from near the register at Abercrombie & Fitch.  At 36, aren’t you a little old to be shopping there?  But we digress.

That’s great that you order table service and the most expensive bottle in the place, but didn’t you look around and realize this is a dive bar?  That 22 oz. Budweiser Select big beer was a good choice for someone with such discerning taste and a refined palate.  Oh, this is a fine dining establishment and martini bar.  You look like a tool ordering the $350 drink made with Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac, Dom Pérignon champagne, a dash of orange liquor, and garnished with a sapphire in the bottom of the glass to impress the already drunk bar fly cougar he has been hitting on all night.  ‘Nuff said.

Yep, he’s an all around classy dude.  Needless to say, keep on trying.

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You order fancy drinks

You were just recently on vacation at a tropical location or hidden away on a secluded beach.  You got a nice tan, grew a vacation beard, and even tried a few of the local drink specials.

Fast forward a week and you are back to the real world – your 9 to 5 job, traffic, and the stress of everyday life.  It’s Friday night and you’re meeting up with a bunch of your friends at the bar for after work drinks.  They’ve got $2 domestics and $3 import beers, rails and mixers are half priced, and they are promoting a single malt scotch that has been aged 20 years that is suppose to be really nice.  So many choices, what do you choose?

One of your buddies tells the waitress he’ll get everyone the first round of beers.  That’s very generous of him, but you say wait – not so fast.  I just got back from vacation and tried the most fantastic drink there.  It was a drink made with local rum and served in a pineapple with umbrellas and tropical fruit slices.  I think I’ll take one of those please.  Enter the awkward silence and stares…

Rather than order a beer, mixed drink, or some kind of liquor on ice, you opt for the rarely chosen fancy drink.  Your drink of choice is a Cosmo, Velvet Hammer, Appletini, Fuzzy Navel, and any frozen drink preferably made with pineapple, coconut, or mango.  If there is a fruit wedge or tiny umbrella garnish, all the better.

After a long day at the office, fishing crab off the coast of Alaska, chopping wood as a lumberjack, or working as a smelter at the steel mill, nothing quenches your thirst and helps take the edge off like an ice cold Sex on the Beach.  You believe you are man enough to withstand the looks and comments of your friends when you order a Slippery Nipple on dollar beer night at the local sports bar.  You are confident enough in your sexuality as you wear a pink polo with a popped collar to order a Loose Caboose on half price pitcher night.  And nothing says I’m a man’s man and looking for some action tonight like ordering a Hawaiian Screw.

If you order a fancy drink, you don’t really need to ask – your man card has officially been revoked.

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