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Posts Tagged ‘internet’

OMG – ROTFLMAO!  After reading your last text, IHMAIWD.  No I will not sext with you and if you ask me one more time I’m getting rid of my phone and going to try to bring back pagers.  Just SMITF and get it over with.

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He’s all for efficiency and saving both time and resources.  He’s no time thief.  On a daily basis, he asks himself “…for every decision [I] make, is this good for the company?  Am I helping with the company’s strategic vision?”

That’s great he is so committed to the company and what he does. But really, can he not take a five minute break for a little personal time?  We’ve all had that sinking suspicion that when we’re on the phone with him, something isn’t quite right.  There’s an odd echo.  His voice periodically sounds like he is straining.  You’re hearing noises that you shouldn’t hear on a regular phone call.  You wonder to yourself if the call signals got crossed.  Sadly no, your deepest and darkest fear has come true.  He has been multitasking while in the bathroom.

Although we’re sure (i.e. hope and pray) he washed his hands when he was done and used a hand wipe on his electronic gadgets, just to be in the free, don’t ask if you can use his phone or laptop.  And no sir, I will not shake your hand.  I have no interest in a 0.0000000001% chance of an inadvertent stink palm.

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roof jumpYou’d think the skull and crossbones would be enough to let him know that it probably wasn’t the best idea.  Maybe the warning, both in print and as read by a narrator, would make him stop and think that perhaps this might not end well for him.  Letting him know that these are professionals performing under the supervision of other professionals should have raised some type of red flag.  All he had to do was watch the subsequent show to see how it would ultimately end.  I’ll start dialing 9-1-1 because he didn’t listen to the warning and did try this at home.

So where did all this (misguided) audacity and bravado come from?  After watching a bootleg vhs tape in the early 90s, he decided it would be a blast to start a backyard wresting league.  Performing under the persona Hill Street Heathen for about five years, his signature move was a flying elbow off the garage through a burning table.  Perhaps it was one too many 2x4s to the back or steel chairs to the head, but when Jackass first premiered in 2000 he took to it like a hipster embraces ironic detachment.  He watched ever episode learning his craft and finely tuning his marketable skills – gracefully walking a tightrope over an alligator pit with raw chicken hanging from his jockstrap, effortlessly crashing shopping carts into bushes, and efficiently taking a sledge hammer shot to the groin.  However, 2005 and the advent of Youtube tempted him to reach new levels of (pardon the pun) jackassery.  Now, in a matter of seconds he can upload video of all of his stunts that he was saving to show to that special somebody.  Every car jump attempt, rail slide effort ending in a nut shot, and firework experiment will be on display for millions to see with the mere click of a button.  Little does he know, though, that his “stunt” attempts will almost certainly land him on the Fail Blog for the world to watch, critique, and shake their head in disapproval to.

All he had to do was listen to the warnings and not try this at home.  Hopefully he will enjoy the next few months in traction and finally take the warning to heart for next time (because obviously there will be a next time).  Perhaps one day he too will reach the level of infamy of the likes of the Afro Ninja and other Youtube immortals who have tried this at home and failed.  But hey, who knows, maybe he will be offered an opportunity for web redemption on Tosh.0.

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facebookHe just got a new smartphone (most likely with some type of Bluetooth accessory).  No, his job doesn’t require him to be accessible at all times.  And no, he isn’t an important business man conducting important business.  He merely wants to be able to access the internet and his Facebook account at all times of the day.

He has a closed profile because he believes that it adds a heir of mystery and intrigue to him.  However, he fails to take into account that, no, we don’t care that he only shares certain information with everyone.  We’re also quite certain that his profile information is not interesting enough for anyone to want to add him as a friend in the first place.

However, if you do somehow make the cut and have your friend request accepted, be prepared for the barrage of pokes, friend suggestions, and group, cause, and quiz links.  Enjoy getting daily words of wisdom such as “Thought of the day: I know you can be ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘underwhelmed’.  But can you just be ‘whelmed’?”  That is about as profound as his previous post – “thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

If he hasn’t already realized, we don’t need minute by minute updates of his mundane life.  It’s 11am and you’re hungry.  Okay.  It’s 11:17am and you can’t stop thinking about lunch.  Sure.  It’s 11:29am and you’re thinking about a grilled cheese with tomato soup.  Although that does sound good, does this really affect me and my day?  It’s 11:43am and you just got home with lunch making accouterment – bread, cheese, and some Campbell’s.  This is just getting ridiculous now.  It’s 11:56am and you gave up and ordered a pizza.  Great, I just wasted an hour following your lunch odyssey, you made me hungry for grilled cheese and tomato soup, and now you’re saying you ordered a damn pizza!?!

And who can forget his wonderfully clever posts on your wall such as this:

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Although he fancies himself as a Facebook Gangster, he should begin to prepare himself to have only his parents left as his Facebook friends.

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