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Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.

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you tell your wife that yes, those jeans do make your butt look fatCome on now.  Really?  I mean really?  Haven’t you been forced to watch enough humorless romantic comedies with Katherine Heigl or vapid t.v. sitcoms to know what you’re suppose to say in this situation?  Couldn’t you pull out that second Twix Bar and stuff it into your mouth to stall until you came up with a better answer?  Have Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, and Renée Zellweger taught you anything?  Apparently not, because you just told your wife that yes, those jeans do make her butt look fat.

How to answer a question like that is the first thing you are ingrained with when you enter into a relationship or get married.  When you are handed your man card, you also get a complimentary copy of the “Man-ual”.  If you took the time to glance through the table of contents, you would have known you could have skipped straight to Chapter Seven which is titled “How to Answer Questions you are bound to be asked.”  In addition to informing you that you should never say the first answer that pops into your head, you are also given pointers and stock answers for other common questions such as “What are you thinking?”, “Am I as attractive as the day we met?”, “Don’t you want to help out more around the house?”, “Am I prettier than her?”, “Did you just check her out?”, “Did you just say something?”, and “Do you think I should get a boob job?”  All you had to do was memorize a few simple fill-in-the-bank stock responses and you would have been money.  But no, of course you didn’t want to take the time to memorize a few key cya phrases.  Are you crazy – you look great in anything.  If anything, those jeans are slimming.  Where’d you go {insert her name here} – a super model just walked in.  If you can memorize all the lines to Caddyshack or the lyrics to White Snake’s “Here I Go Again”, then you can certainly remember a few key lines to help avoid a sex embargo that will last longer than it takes for Hugh Grant to bulk up, undandify himself, and take over Christian Bale’s role in the Batman franchise.

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