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Archive for October, 2009

StarbucksHis “addiction” began back in his high school days.  He was a member of his school’s drama troupe which consisted of the kids who considered themselves the “artistic but tortured souls.”  While sitting around discussing Chaucer and Nietzsche with Jeff, the “cool teacher” who let his students call him by his first name, he was first introduced to the black gold.  Later while in college, he joined the university’s poetry e-zine which met in the catacombs of the local indie coffee shop.  While discussing what rhymes with “brooding” and how to fit it nicely into iambic pentameter, he sipped espresso shots from his own personal demitasse cup which he carried around in his messenger bag.  Fast-forward ten years and he had his hopes and dreams crushed.  After graduating and having his unpaid internship with McSweeney’s fall through, he finally listened to his parents and went to grad school.  After toiling on and off for nearly six years getting a masters in philosophy and ancient languages, he eventually graduated and got a 9-5 working in a cubicle as a nameless and faceless drone with a multinational corporation (i.e. everything he has every stood against).

He can’t face his past anymore.  He makes a promise to himself that he will embrace the darkside and his new station in life.  He gets rid of his fixed gear bicycle and buys a hybrid.  He moves out of his downtown loft that he shared with six roommates to a townhouse in a newly gentrified up and coming neighborhood.  He no longer shops at Whole Foods because they support local farmers and growers; he shops there because that is what yuppies and soccer moms are supposed to do.  He donates his entire wardrobe to the local goodwill and buys page seven through thirteen of the JCrew catalogue.  And then we get to his obsession with coffee.  After having his spirit broken, he can’t face going back to the neighborhood hipster fair trade and feminist bookstore coffeehouses of his youth.  He goes to Starbucks.

Frappuccinos, lattes, americanos, cappuccinos, and macchiatos – it doesn’t matter.  Just like white people, he loves his coffee and especially everything Starbucks related.  He’s got all the latest Starbucks products: a home brewing machine, a bean grinder, five types of Starbucks coffee, and matching travel mugs.  He’s the customer that walks in the store and says things like “If I don’t get my cup of Starbucks this morning, I think I’ll have a serious case of the Mondays”, “Happy Humpday”, and “TGIF”.  Rather than use iTunes for purchasing his music, his musical preferences are governed by whatever artists are featured next to the Starbucks register.  If he’s swamped with work, he likes to take his laptop there and set up shop in his favorite nook.  He goes in there so often that the baristas are able to begin his usual drink when they see him walking in the door. Additionally, with all the customization, they need to get a head start on his grande, non-fat, 6 1/3 pump sugar free vanilla, 2 1/4 pump peppermint, no whip, 137° mocha topped with a dusting of cinnamon.

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shartHe was in a crowded department store when the dreaded stomach issues initially arose.  First, his stomach began to inexplicably tighten.  He felt what he thought was gas pressure begin to build inside him.  He soon realized that this was no mere stomach twinge; he was about to have an onslaught of uncontrollable flatulence.  He knew time was of the essence and that he needed to get to the bathroom before he had an “accident”.  He quietly and quickly excused himself as he made a break for the bathroom doing the easily identifiable clenched butt shuffle.  He saw a sign for the restroom; however, it happened to be on the other side of the store.  As he made his way through ladies shoes and the fragrance departments, the pressure was so immense that he just had to relieve it a little bit.  He thought he could control his “shutter speed” and would be able to make it to the bathroom just in time.  Boy was he wrong…

Rather than merely having a “turtle poke his head out of the shell”, he sharted himself.  For our readers who are unfamiliar with the math, here’s the basic equation:

Shart = (Shit + Fart) – Clean Pants – Dignity

Quite often, he will shart by mistake.  He miscalculates the ratio of his ethnic food intake with that of his proximity and ability to actually make it to the nearest restroom.  He may believe that he is merely passing wind that is not backed with the force of a dirty tsunami.  Or he may have just failed to read the ingredient label and had one too many chips that contained Olestra.  Very rarely does sharting occur on purpose; it seems to only occur in guy farting contests where no one emerges as a winner.

Like with the “prairie dog who won’t go back in its hole”, the question arises as to what he should do next.  Depending on how confident he is with his acting ability around guests or his fellow coworkers, he may say “Screw it, I can play it off and cover it up through the day.  I’ll wipe later.”  The more likely situation will involve him discretely making his way to the bathroom to survey the damage.  He may try to wipe off the evidence, rinse with soap and water, and go about his day like nothing ever happened.  He may try to MacGyver it and salvage makeshift underwear from the remnants.  He potentially may run to the nearest department store to replace his soiled clothes.  Or he may try the commando option which is a popular choice when faced with his predicament.  He will almost certainly need to be careful with this option because now he doesn’t have the underwear buffer between a concealed incident and a repeat performance cementing his status as the office sharter.

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Spiderman, Spiderman, Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong? Listen bud – He’s got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of the night, At the scene of the crime, Like a streak of light, He arrives just in time!

Spiderman, Spiderman, Friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Wealth and fame, he’s ignored – Action is his reward. To him, Life is a great big bang-up – Wherever there’s a hang-up, You’ll find the Spiderman!

spider man

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facebookHe just got a new smartphone (most likely with some type of Bluetooth accessory).  No, his job doesn’t require him to be accessible at all times.  And no, he isn’t an important business man conducting important business.  He merely wants to be able to access the internet and his Facebook account at all times of the day.

He has a closed profile because he believes that it adds a heir of mystery and intrigue to him.  However, he fails to take into account that, no, we don’t care that he only shares certain information with everyone.  We’re also quite certain that his profile information is not interesting enough for anyone to want to add him as a friend in the first place.

However, if you do somehow make the cut and have your friend request accepted, be prepared for the barrage of pokes, friend suggestions, and group, cause, and quiz links.  Enjoy getting daily words of wisdom such as “Thought of the day: I know you can be ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘underwhelmed’.  But can you just be ‘whelmed’?”  That is about as profound as his previous post – “thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

If he hasn’t already realized, we don’t need minute by minute updates of his mundane life.  It’s 11am and you’re hungry.  Okay.  It’s 11:17am and you can’t stop thinking about lunch.  Sure.  It’s 11:29am and you’re thinking about a grilled cheese with tomato soup.  Although that does sound good, does this really affect me and my day?  It’s 11:43am and you just got home with lunch making accouterment – bread, cheese, and some Campbell’s.  This is just getting ridiculous now.  It’s 11:56am and you gave up and ordered a pizza.  Great, I just wasted an hour following your lunch odyssey, you made me hungry for grilled cheese and tomato soup, and now you’re saying you ordered a damn pizza!?!

And who can forget his wonderfully clever posts on your wall such as this:

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Although he fancies himself as a Facebook Gangster, he should begin to prepare himself to have only his parents left as his Facebook friends.

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twilightA casual fan he is not.  It must be ingrained somewhere in his DNA that he cannot merely pick up a copy of the latest “it” book or hit movie without losing his mind.  He disregards his daily life with abandon as he throws himself head first into fictional worlds and tales of suspense and tween romance.  On that faithful day back in October 2005 when Twilight was first released, he finally found something to replace his obsession with all things Harry Potter.

Authored by Stephenie Meyer, the Twilight series – including the books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn – have been translated into at least 38 different languages and sold 70 million copies worldwide.  Additionally, the movie based on the first novel in the series grossed approximately $383,520,177 in worldwide box office receipt.  Not that any of this matters to him though.

He follows People, Star, and US Weekly religiously just to get his latest fix of Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner.  OMG, he can’t believe that they go to Starbucks just like the rest of us.  He says it’s bananas that they walk in and out of buildings and down the street like regular people.

He likes to ask if you saw the latest Twilight related post on PerezHilton.com.  He is fascinated that the buff one was walking around without a shirt on somewhere and he can’t believe that the two dating were reportedly seen out in public together.  Plus, he hasn’t yet decided which side to take in the epic debate: Team Edward or Team Jacob.

If you’ve checked your inbox anytime lately, you already know that he wants to tell you about the latest Facebook quiz he took – he really thought he was an Edward Cullen but it turns out he was a Jacob Black all along.

Don’t worry if you think all he does is follow tabloids and internet blogs regarding Twilight.  He’s pretty busy planning the 2010 TwiCon Conventions and writing his latest installment of fan fiction so at least he’s got that going for him.

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The camel toe has left the building.  Thank you, thank you very much.

the camel toe has left the building

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