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Posts Tagged ‘adult entertainment’

Not that anyone from YMBTGI has ever been to an adult bookstore (cough, averted gaze, scratching the back of our neck…), but this is how we would picture him behind the counter: DJ Qualls and Clint Howard had a child through some miracle of science, then Anne Ramsey (better known as Ma Fratelli from The Goonies) had a child with Steve Buscemi, and somehow in the not too distant future the two disturbing babies hooked up and gave birth to him.

What he lacks in appearance aside, he is able to impress with his almost ubiquitous knowledge of adult movies and “accessories”.  He can point you in the right direction for just about anything you want, could possibly want, and now wish you had never heard of after he showed it to you that one time.  Whatever you do, don’t ask him what he has in the back for his favorite customers.  But hey, if you do ask for some reason, at least you’ll find out how to delicately wrap a package in non-descript plain brown paper.

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guy who goes to strip club aloneThe last Friday of the month rolls around and everyone looks forward to collecting that magic paycheck.  Some use it to pay bills while others put it in the bank to save for a vacation or new home.  Some people take it, spend the weekend at the bars, blow it on booze, and are broke by Monday morning.  Not him.  He rations his paycheck to last throughout the week.  And was it mentioned that he asks for his completely in $1s?  That’s a little odd, but most people think nothing of it.  That is until he shows up for work the next morning reeking of stripper sweat and pole wax…

When confronted about the odors emanating from him and his clothes when he shows up to work, he shares his secret – he likes to go to the strip club.  A lot.  You probe a little further and ask if his non-work friends like to frequent the local gentlemen clubs.  No, not really.  Huh?  He then tells you he likes to go to the strip clubs by himself.

He claims he goes there because they have a “great buffet” that is free with cover charge.  A fruit spread, cheese platter, and lap dance are a great way to begin a meal.  Prime rib, filet mignon, and lobster tails with a side of pole dancing sounds scrumptious.  Apple cobbler, tiramisu, and the Champagne Room are available to cap off the delicious meal.

Just like when he goes to Hooters, he believes the strippers are into him.  He knows what night each of his favorite ladies perform – Bubblez on Mondays, Amateur Night on Tuesdays, Starr on Wednesdays, Sindi on Thursdays, College Night on Fridays, Lexxxi on Saturdays, and Bustie on Sunday.  If you take into account how much he has spent over the past few years, he has singlehandedly put at least three of his favorite dancers through community college and has paid a fourth to get her masseuse certification.

If you ever do muster the courage to accompany him, you’ll be amazed when you walk in and he’s so friendly with the bouncers and DJs that they are on a first name basis.  He’ll walk you over to his regular table and remove the “reserved” place card.  He’ll let you know he likes this table because it is the one spot in the club that you have an unobstructed view of all three stages.  He offers to get you the first lap dance of the evening because he has club credit after winning their recent contest “How Many Dollar Bills Will Fit In Ferrari’s G-String?”  And like a seasoned strip club patron, he reminds you that “There’s no sex in the Champagne Room.”

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