You are a weekend warrior

Rather than buy a sports car, sailboat, or some other expensive toy in the midst of his mid-life crisis, he decides to become a “Weekend Warrior.”  Instead of looking like he just got back from the annual Bike Week Rally in Sturgis or from providing security for the Rolling Stones at Altamont, he dons his best imitation biker gear and looks like a stunt double for John Travolta in Wild Hogs.

You can imagine what his motorcycle looks like: a bug guard windshield, a built in radio, tassels on the handlebars, double saddle bags, and a matching trailer.  Was it mentioned that his motorcycle was a three-wheeler?

To compliment his bike, he has bought every piece of swag from the dealer that has a Harley Davidson logo on it.  Not only does he have a Harley helmet and leather vest, he also has purchased a key chain, a motorcycle dog leather vest, a mouse pad, a bumper sticker for his car that says “I ♥ Harleys”, a years supply of Harley Davidson brand Viagra, a set of commemorative plates, and an adult Harley Davidson onesie.

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You go to a strip club by yourself

The last Friday of the month rolls around and everyone looks forward to collecting that magic paycheck.  Some use it to pay bills while others put it in the bank to save for a vacation or new home.  Some people take it, spend the weekend at the bars, blow it on booze, and are broke by Monday morning.  Not him.  He rations his paycheck to last throughout the week.  And was it mentioned that he asks for his completely in $1s?  That’s a little odd, but most people think nothing of it.  That is until he shows up for work the next morning reeking of stripper sweat and pole wax…

When confronted about the odors emanating from him and his clothes when he shows up to work, he shares his secret – he likes to go to the strip club.  A lot.  You probe a little further and ask if his non-work friends like to frequent the local gentlemen clubs.  No, not really.  Huh?  He then tells you he likes to go to the strip clubs by himself.

He claims he goes there because they have a “great buffet” that is free with cover charge.  A fruit spread, cheese platter, and lap dance are a great way to begin a meal.  Prime rib, filet mignon, and lobster tails with a side of pole dancing sounds scrumptious.  Apple cobbler, tiramisu, and the Champagne Room are available to cap off the delicious meal.

Just like when he goes to Hooters, he believes the strippers are into him.  He knows what night each of his favorite ladies perform – Bubblez on Mondays, Amateur Night on Tuesdays, Starr on Wednesdays, Sindi on Thursdays, College Night on Fridays, Lexxxi on Saturdays, and Bustie on Sunday.  If you take into account how much he has spent over the past few years, he has singlehandedly put at least three of his favorite dancers through community college and has paid a fourth to get her masseuse certification.

If you ever do muster the courage to accompany him, you’ll be amazed when you walk in and he’s so friendly with the bouncers and DJs that they are on a first name basis.  He’ll walk you over to his regular table and remove the “reserved” place card.  He’ll let you know he likes this table because it is the one spot in the club that you have an unobstructed view of all three stages.  He offers to get you the first lap dance of the evening because he has club credit after winning their recent contest “How Many Dollar Bills Will Fit In Ferrari’s G-String?”  And like a seasoned strip club patron, he reminds you that “There’s no sex in the Champagne Room.”

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You look at porn in public

Rather than hide his stack of porn magazines and adult videos under his bed or in his sock drawer, he proudly displays them for all visitors to see.  Like most people with their copies of Vanity Fair or National Geographic, he has his copies of Playboy, Penthouse, and Perfect 10 out on the coffee table for his guests to peruse at their leisure.  To complement the ample assortment of adult erotica scattered throughout his house, he has framed posters of his favorite adult movies such as Edward Penishands, Lord of the G-Strings, Harry Peter and the Sorceror’s Bone, and classics like Spankenstein and Breast Side Story.

And forget any legitimate use for his computer.  The only on-line media outlet he visits and trusts for fair and balanced news is AVN.  The desktop background on his computer is a still from his favorite adult video Buffy The Vampire Layer.  Forget flying toasters or snaking tubes; his screensaver is two busty ladies doing, well, pretty much what you think they would be doing in his brand of film.

Out in public at the library, in a crowded coffee shop, or even the Apple Store?  No problem!  He has no qualms with checking out his favorite sites or IMing lonely local ladies who are looking for a good time.  Beware and watch out when he bumps into you on the street because it isn’t laundry day and it most likely isn’t quarters in his pocket…

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You ignore urinal etiquette

After a late night and too many drinks to count, you walk into the men’s restroom.  Depending on the urinal situation, you may be faced with varying levels of uncomfortableness when he walks in.

If there is only one urinal and the restroom has a door lock, congratulations because you have won the jackpot.  No agonizing closeness and accidental bumping of elbows.  No sneaking suspicion that his eyes aren’t directly forward and taking wayward glances down.  No awkward chatter about the local sports team, the hot waitress, or other things of a topical nature.  You are free to do what you have to do at your own pace.  But be aware, he may knock on the door, jiggle the door handle, or ask how things are going in there.

Things are a little dicier when you get to two urinals in the restroom.  Naturally, you take the far urinal away from the door and sinks.  Rather than patiently waiting for you to finish or just using a stall instead, he decides to step up to the urinal beside you.  Beware of any traps he may set for you.  When he tries to talk to you, keep your eyes forward – always forward – and go about finishing up.  Don’t get sucked into his web of deception and inadvertently give him an opening to start the dreaded, and always awkward, men’s room conversation.

When faced with three urinals, whatever you do, fight the urge to take the middle one when all three are open.  Not only do you make it awkward for everyone else who walks in, but you also violate one of the cardinal rules put forth by The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette.  As with the two urinals, always try to take one of the outside urinals especially the far one if all three are open.  Often times, in walks guy number two who takes the other outer urinal.  Congratulations, both of you have successfully exercised proper urinal etiquette by leaving an open buffer zone.  And that was until he walks in.  Rather than use a stall or patiently wait for one of the outside two to open up, he walks right up to the middle one and starts to do his business.  Not only has he now made it uncomfortable for you, he has also creeped out guy number two who was having a seemingly pleasant restroom visit.  Finish up quickly and avoid eye contact at all costs because if by chance your eyes accidentally meet, you will have a situation on your hands like when the Ghostbusters crossed their proton pack streams.  As Egon so aptly put it, “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”  Yup, that’s not good and it will probably not end well for anyone involved.

If there are four or more urinals, good luck and have fun with all the infinite urinal arrangement combinations.  Hopefully you got a good nights sleep, sharpened your pencils, and brought scratch paper to figure out how to avoid him when he walks in the door.

Be aware that the only time you may look away from the wall is if you left your drink on the counter next to one of the sinks.  You may need to stop abruptly to save your drink because he has no qualms about dripping water into it IF he in fact washes his hands or is fixing his faux hawk in the mirror.

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You tell Chuck Norris jokes

You’re out with a group of friends and one of them tells a hilarious joke about a priest, rabbi, and duck who walk into a bar.  After the punch-line and before the laughter even dies down, he chimes in trying to piggyback off the previous joke.  “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”  Huh?  Who said that?  “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.  He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”  What did he just say?  Really?  “There is no theory of evolution.  Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.”  Wow…

He appears to be the last person on the block to get caught up in Chuck Norris jokes.  Although my grandmother told me that “when Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down” as we watched Walker: Texas Ranger during a recent visit to her nursing home, he has just caught on to the “phenomena.”

He takes every opportunity to spout off such gems as “Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits.” or “Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.”  You could be having a guys’ poker night and win the pot with the hand of a lifetime – a royal flush – and he chimes in with “Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.”  You could ask him to help you with your chemistry homework and he would reply with “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.”  He could be the IT guy in your office, you call him up for help, and rather than explaining what “TPS Error” means, he informs you that “There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer.  Chuck Norris is always in control.”  You could even ask something innocuous like what time is it and he will tell you that “Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; He decides what time it is.”

After telling one of these jokes, hopefully he is proud of himself when he looks in the mirror.  Too bad he isn’t Chuck Norris because “when Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears.  There can never be a second Chuck Norris.”

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You wear turquoise jewelry

He single handedly is trying to bring back the urban cowboy look.  He has all the official cowboy gear: a cowboy hat, a flannel shirt, an oversized rodeo belt buckle, a tight pair of Wrangler jeans, and worn in cowboy boots.  Not to be outdone by anyone, he wears a bolo necktie in addition to several pieces of assorted man jewelry such as cuff bracelets and multiple rings.  As you already know, all of his accessories are made out of turquoise.

Most likely living in a liberal, aging-hippie enclave colony somewhere in the Southwest, he considers himself artistic and would like to make a living selling homemade knickknacks and chockies.  Make sure to buy one of his handmade dream catchers and hear his stories of going on his most recent vision quest with the local Navajo tribe.

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You drive a custom van

While rocking Joe Dirt facial hair and a Van Halen 1978 World Tour t-shirt, he drives around wishing he was in an old school Hot Wheels’ van or that he was Shaggy from Scooby Doo and hanging out with Daphne in the backseat of the Mystery Machine about to get to second base.

He has installed an eight-track and blares the likes of Kiss’ “Rock and Roll All Night” (1975), Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” (1975), Foghat’s “Slow Ride” (1975), Kansas’ “Carry on Wayward Son” (1976), Styx’s “Renegade” (1978), Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” (1978), Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” (1981) taking him back to the days when custom vans were the end all and be all of cool even though he never was.

He has picked one of the ubiquitous van designs such as a wizardly sorcerer, a semi-clothed cave woman, mighty Thor, a ferocious tiger, a curvy lady in some stage of undress, a mountainscape, or smoldering flames.  On the interior, he has channeled his inner 70s porn star and brought back the dated designs such as a bobble head doll on the dashboard, wall-to-wall shag carpet, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, a lava lamp, bean bag chairs, Christmas lights around the roof, and a waterbed in the back.

Sounding like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, he has no problem telling you what he’s got under the hood: “We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower.”  Apparently none of us know that much about cars because we are all still confused as to how he could fit an engine like that into his van.

But don’t worry if the van’s a rockin’ because nobody is knockin’ and he’s probably inside by himself relieving his past glory days.

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You order fancy drinks

You were just recently on vacation at a tropical location or hidden away on a secluded beach.  You got a nice tan, grew a vacation beard, and even tried a few of the local drink specials.

Fast forward a week and you are back to the real world – your 9 to 5 job, traffic, and the stress of everyday life.  It’s Friday night and you’re meeting up with a bunch of your friends at the bar for after work drinks.  They’ve got $2 domestics and $3 import beers, rails and mixers are half priced, and they are promoting a single malt scotch that has been aged 20 years that is suppose to be really nice.  So many choices, what do you choose?

One of your buddies tells the waitress he’ll get everyone the first round of beers.  That’s very generous of him, but you say wait – not so fast.  I just got back from vacation and tried the most fantastic drink there.  It was a drink made with local rum and served in a pineapple with umbrellas and tropical fruit slices.  I think I’ll take one of those please.  Enter the awkward silence and stares…

Rather than order a beer, mixed drink, or some kind of liquor on ice, you opt for the rarely chosen fancy drink.  Your drink of choice is a Cosmo, Velvet Hammer, Appletini, Fuzzy Navel, and any frozen drink preferably made with pineapple, coconut, or mango.  If there is a fruit wedge or tiny umbrella garnish, all the better.

After a long day at the office, fishing crab off the coast of Alaska, chopping wood as a lumberjack, or working as a smelter at the steel mill, nothing quenches your thirst and helps take the edge off like an ice cold Sex on the Beach.  You believe you are man enough to withstand the looks and comments of your friends when you order a Slippery Nipple on dollar beer night at the local sports bar.  You are confident enough in your sexuality as you wear a pink polo with a popped collar to order a Loose Caboose on half price pitcher night.  And nothing says I’m a man’s man and looking for some action tonight like ordering a Hawaiian Screw.

If you order a fancy drink, you don’t really need to ask – your man card has officially been revoked.

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You make a homemade sex tape

You’ve thought about it; don’t lie because you know you have.  You’ve even taken the time to search “how to make a sex tape” on Google and look at a few of the 23M plus search returns.

You think to yourself, I’ve seen all the greats like Pam Anderson with Tommy Lee (and to a lesser degree Bret Michaels) and the ubiquitous night-vision Paris Hilton tape.  You’ve even satisfied your morbid curiosity by checking out the lesser known celebrity sex tapes with the likes of Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell), Fred Durst (of Limp Bizkit), Tanya Harding (the ice skater), Joanie Laurer (Chyna from the WWE), and Kim Kardashian.  If they can do it, then so can you.  Hey, I’m in shape and pretty adventurous.  I bet my girlfriend would be into it or at least could be talked into it after some expert persuasion.  I’ve got Super 8 film, a VHS camcorder, or a digital camcorder ready to go.  I think this could really work.

However, you have failed to take a few factors into consideration.  You might be up for the video, but your girlfriend definitely isn’t and promptly breaks up with you.  You can ask random people on the street if they would like to be in a movie or an “erotic art house piece” with you or place an add on Craigslist, but when they show up for the shoot we may be seeing you meet Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator.  Enjoy spending the next 12-18 months with Joe Francis for not checking the “actors” ids and birthdates.

You also believe that you are in shape, but your idea of being in shape was playing long snapper on the JV football team back in high school from which you graduated in 1983.  Although you’re in a work softball league, the team’s idea of practice is carrying the game keg from the car to the dugout.  And no, your fantasy football and baseball leagues do not count for exercise purposes.  But the question remains, have you ever really taken a good look at yourself without clothes?  It’s most likely not a pretty sight and no one looks good making their “O Face.”  The camera may add 10 pounds, but the screening of your video will spark a debate over just how many cameras you had going at once.

You’ve seen enough celebrity sex tapes that you believe you will be able to place the camera in the right spots to get the best footage.  Hey, if things really get going you think you can just pick up the camera and go for gonzo or gorilla shots.  Sorry to break the news to you, but no, you won’t be the Martin Scorsese of the homemade sex tape world and will not be winning any AVN awards any time soon.  And no, no one is interested in seeing either the shaky, out of focus, handheld shots or tri-pod aided fixed angle shots of you.

Regardless of what anyone tells you, your mind is made up and you’re going to go for it.  Just remember to label the video or disc so that it doesn’t get returned in place of your Netflix movie or, even worse, sent to your family instead of the picture cd from your recent vacation.

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You are Ashton Kutcher

Similar to Dane Cook, we all question just exactly how Ashton Kutcher got and stayed famous (or at least culturally relevant).

In order to be blinded by his talent and fully take in the awesomeness of his star power, let us take a look at his body of works.  He was the star of such stellar movies as Dude, Where’s My Car?, Just Married, The Butterfly Effect, The Guardian, Cheaper by the Dozen, and What Happens in Vegas.  He was also the producer / co-creator of the supernatural TV show Room 401 (has anyone ever heard of this?) and the reality tv show Beauty and the Geek (a show consisting of reject girls from Flavor of Love and guys from the Pickup Artist).  All Oscar and Emmy-worthy performances here…

Ashton Kutcher is probably best known for his two starring tv roles in That 70’s Show and Punk’d.  Everyone can agree that That 70’s Show was a pretty good show; however, the ensemble cast made the show what it was and not him specifically.  And that leaves us with Punk’d.  Through this show, Kutcher singlehandedly started the Von Dutch and sideways trucker hat craze (both the former standard issue uniform of Guidos and Ed Hardy purchasers everywhere).  Using all his creative powers, he messed with celebrities to the point they started to cry, were pissed off, or were about to call the cops.  Who would have ever though someone would react to an unnecessarily grand production where they think their car was destroyed or they inadvertently injured someone after a chain reaction of inexplicable events.  With the show lasting nearly 70 episodes, America’s judgment must clearly be questioned.

Since Punk’d, what exactly is it that Ashton Kutcher does?  For a few weeks, he was in a well publicized race with CNN to be the first person to get 1M twitter followers.  If no one has told him yet, no one cares that he has 3M plus twitter fans because most of us have better things to do than read the minute to minute updates of hanging out with Bruce Willis and P. Diddy.

He also posts regularly on his blog where he tells his fans what he is up to and working on.  Here is an excerpt of a posting (which is also continued on his twitter page) where he complains about his neighbor doing construction on his house with the work beginning early in the morning:  “It’s 7:30 AM and I get to wake up in my bedroom to my f*cking jack*ss neighbor…doing this next to my porch… Right up there, that’s my bedroom.  This is where my d*ckweed neighbor has decided to be building a house at 7AM, pounding on steel and welding right next to my frickin’ house…”  [check out the Huffington Post for the video and twitter transcript]  One can only hope that the pea under your mattress didn’t further interrupt your beauty rest.

Somehow while all this was going on Kutcher found the time to marry the OG Cougar, Demi Moore.  Although she looks great for a 47 year old, it does make you stop and think who got the better end of the deal after seeing the twitter picture he posted of her wearing granny panties and the (in)famous picture brought back by Daniel Tosh of Tosh.0 of Demi in the 80s.

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