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Archive for August, 2009

weekend warrior harley davidsonRather than buy a sports car, sailboat, or some other expensive toy in the midst of his mid-life crisis, he decides to become a “Weekend Warrior.”  Instead of looking like he just got back from the annual Bike Week Rally in Sturgis or from providing security for the Rolling Stones at Altamont, he dons his best imitation biker gear and looks like a stunt double for John Travolta in Wild Hogs.

You can imagine what his motorcycle looks like: a bug guard windshield, a built in radio, tassels on the handlebars, double saddle bags, and a matching trailer.  Was it mentioned that his motorcycle was a three-wheeler?

To compliment his bike, he has bought every piece of swag from the dealer that has a Harley Davidson logo on it.  Not only does he have a Harley helmet and leather vest, he also has purchased a key chain, a motorcycle dog leather vest, a mouse pad, a bumper sticker for his car that says “I ♥ Harleys”, a years supply of Harley Davidson brand Viagra, a set of commemorative plates, and an adult Harley Davidson onesie.

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guy who goes to strip club aloneThe last Friday of the month rolls around and everyone looks forward to collecting that magic paycheck.  Some use it to pay bills while others put it in the bank to save for a vacation or new home.  Some people take it, spend the weekend at the bars, blow it on booze, and are broke by Monday morning.  Not him.  He rations his paycheck to last throughout the week.  And was it mentioned that he asks for his completely in $1s?  That’s a little odd, but most people think nothing of it.  That is until he shows up for work the next morning reeking of stripper sweat and pole wax…

When confronted about the odors emanating from him and his clothes when he shows up to work, he shares his secret – he likes to go to the strip club.  A lot.  You probe a little further and ask if his non-work friends like to frequent the local gentlemen clubs.  No, not really.  Huh?  He then tells you he likes to go to the strip clubs by himself.

He claims he goes there because they have a “great buffet” that is free with cover charge.  A fruit spread, cheese platter, and lap dance are a great way to begin a meal.  Prime rib, filet mignon, and lobster tails with a side of pole dancing sounds scrumptious.  Apple cobbler, tiramisu, and the Champagne Room are available to cap off the delicious meal.

Just like when he goes to Hooters, he believes the strippers are into him.  He knows what night each of his favorite ladies perform – Bubblez on Mondays, Amateur Night on Tuesdays, Starr on Wednesdays, Sindi on Thursdays, College Night on Fridays, Lexxxi on Saturdays, and Bustie on Sunday.  If you take into account how much he has spent over the past few years, he has singlehandedly put at least three of his favorite dancers through community college and has paid a fourth to get her masseuse certification.

If you ever do muster the courage to accompany him, you’ll be amazed when you walk in and he’s so friendly with the bouncers and DJs that they are on a first name basis.  He’ll walk you over to his regular table and remove the “reserved” place card.  He’ll let you know he likes this table because it is the one spot in the club that you have an unobstructed view of all three stages.  He offers to get you the first lap dance of the evening because he has club credit after winning their recent contest “How Many Dollar Bills Will Fit In Ferrari’s G-String?”  And like a seasoned strip club patron, he reminds you that “There’s no sex in the Champagne Room.”

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look at porn in publicRather than hide his stack of porn magazines and adult videos under his bed or in his sock drawer, he proudly displays them for all visitors to see.  Like most people with their copies of Vanity Fair or National Geographic, he has his copies of Playboy, Penthouse, and Perfect 10 out on the coffee table for his guests to peruse at their leisure.  To complement the ample assortment of adult erotica scattered throughout his house, he has framed posters of his favorite adult movies such as Edward Penishands, Lord of the G-Strings, Harry Peter and the Sorceror’s Bone, and classics like Spankenstein and Breast Side Story.

And forget any legitimate use for his computer.  The only on-line media outlet he visits and trusts for fair and balanced news is AVN.  The desktop background on his computer is a still from his favorite adult video Buffy The Vampire Layer.  Forget flying toasters or snaking tubes; his screensaver is two busty ladies doing, well, pretty much what you think they would be doing in his brand of film.

Out in public at the library, in a crowded coffee shop, or even the Apple Store?  No problem!  He has no qualms with checking out his favorite sites or IMing lonely local ladies who are looking for a good time.  Beware and watch out when he bumps into you on the street because it isn’t laundry day and it most likely isn’t quarters in his pocket…

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72971917After a late night and too many drinks to count, you walk into the men’s restroom.  Depending on the urinal situation, you may be faced with varying levels of uncomfortableness when he walks in.

If there is only one urinal and the restroom has a door lock, congratulations because you have won the jackpot.  No agonizing closeness and accidental bumping of elbows.  No sneaking suspicion that his eyes aren’t directly forward and taking wayward glances down.  No awkward chatter about the local sports team, the hot waitress, or other things of a topical nature.  You are free to do what you have to do at your own pace.  But be aware, he may knock on the door, jiggle the door handle, or ask how things are going in there.

Things are a little dicier when you get to two urinals in the restroom.  Naturally, you take the far urinal away from the door and sinks.  Rather than patiently waiting for you to finish or just using a stall instead, he decides to step up to the urinal beside you.  Beware of any traps he may set for you.  When he tries to talk to you, keep your eyes forward – always forward – and go about finishing up.  Don’t get sucked into his web of deception and inadvertently give him an opening to start the dreaded, and always awkward, men’s room conversation.

When faced with three urinals, whatever you do, fight the urge to take the middle one when all three are open.  Not only do you make it awkward for everyone else who walks in, but you also violate one of the cardinal rules put forth by The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette.  As with the two urinals, always try to take one of the outside urinals especially the far one if all three are open.  Often times, in walks guy number two who takes the other outer urinal.  Congratulations, both of you have successfully exercised proper urinal etiquette by leaving an open buffer zone.  And that was until he walks in.  Rather than use a stall or patiently wait for one of the outside two to open up, he walks right up to the middle one and starts to do his business.  Not only has he now made it uncomfortable for you, he has also creeped out guy number two who was having a seemingly pleasant restroom visit.  Finish up quickly and avoid eye contact at all costs because if by chance your eyes accidentally meet, you will have a situation on your hands like when the Ghostbusters crossed their proton pack streams.  As Egon so aptly put it, “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”  Yup, that’s not good and it will probably not end well for anyone involved.

If there are four or more urinals, good luck and have fun with all the infinite urinal arrangement combinations.  Hopefully you got a good nights sleep, sharpened your pencils, and brought scratch paper to figure out how to avoid him when he walks in the door.

Be aware that the only time you may look away from the wall is if you left your drink on the counter next to one of the sinks.  You may need to stop abruptly to save your drink because he has no qualms about dripping water into it IF he in fact washes his hands or is fixing his faux hawk in the mirror.

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tells chuck norris jokesYou’re out with a group of friends and one of them tells a hilarious joke about a priest, rabbi, and duck who walk into a bar.  After the punch-line and before the laughter even dies down, he chimes in trying to piggyback off the previous joke.  “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”  Huh?  Who said that?  “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.  He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”  What did he just say?  Really?  “There is no theory of evolution.  Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.”  Wow…

He appears to be the last person on the block to get caught up in Chuck Norris jokes.  Although my grandmother told me that “when Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down” as we watched Walker: Texas Ranger during a recent visit to her nursing home, he has just caught on to the “phenomena.”

He takes every opportunity to spout off such gems as “Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits.” or “Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.”  You could be having a guys’ poker night and win the pot with the hand of a lifetime – a royal flush – and he chimes in with “Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.”  You could ask him to help you with your chemistry homework and he would reply with “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.”  He could be the IT guy in your office, you call him up for help, and rather than explaining what “TPS Error” means, he informs you that “There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer.  Chuck Norris is always in control.”  You could even ask something innocuous like what time is it and he will tell you that “Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; He decides what time it is.”

After telling one of these jokes, hopefully he is proud of himself when he looks in the mirror.  Too bad he isn’t Chuck Norris because “when Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears.  There can never be a second Chuck Norris.”

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Man modeling turquoise ring & boloHe single handedly is trying to bring back the urban cowboy look.  He has all the official cowboy gear: a cowboy hat, a flannel shirt, an oversized rodeo belt buckle, a tight pair of Wrangler jeans, and worn in cowboy boots.  Not to be outdone by anyone, he wears a bolo necktie in addition to several pieces of assorted man jewelry such as cuff bracelets and multiple rings.  As you already know, all of his accessories are made out of turquoise.

Most likely living in a liberal, aging-hippie enclave colony somewhere in the Southwest, he considers himself artistic and would like to make a living selling homemade knickknacks and chockies.  Make sure to buy one of his handmade dream catchers and hear his stories of going on his most recent vision quest with the local Navajo tribe.

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airbrush vanWhile rocking Joe Dirt facial hair and a Van Halen 1978 World Tour t-shirt, he drives around wishing he was in an old school Hot Wheels’ van or that he was Shaggy from Scooby Doo and hanging out with Daphne in the backseat of the Mystery Machine about to get to second base.

He has installed an eight-track and blares the likes of Kiss’ “Rock and Roll All Night” (1975), Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” (1975), Foghat’s “Slow Ride” (1975), Kansas’ “Carry on Wayward Son” (1976), Styx’s “Renegade” (1978), Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” (1978), Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” (1981) taking him back to the days when custom vans were the end all and be all of cool even though he never was.

He has picked one of the ubiquitous van designs such as a wizardly sorcerer, a semi-clothed cave woman, mighty Thor, a ferocious tiger, a curvy lady in some stage of undress, a mountainscape, or smoldering flames.  On the interior, he has channeled his inner 70s porn star and brought back the dated designs such as a bobble head doll on the dashboard, wall-to-wall shag carpet, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, a lava lamp, bean bag chairs, Christmas lights around the roof, and a waterbed in the back.

Sounding like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, he has no problem telling you what he’s got under the hood: “We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower.”  Apparently none of us know that much about cars because we are all still confused as to how he could fit an engine like that into his van.

But don’t worry if the van’s a rockin’ because nobody is knockin’ and he’s probably inside by himself relieving his past glory days.

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