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Archive for June, 2009

cobrakaivillianToday we unveil a new feature at “You Might Be ‘That Guy’ if…”  This is the first entry in our periodic series of great “That Guys” in history.  This series will salute great “That Guys” who have made lasting contributions to humanity, yet remain nameless and only identifiable as “That Guy.”

You know you’re in distinguished company when your character is mentioned with the likes of great 80s movie villains like Jack Torrance in The Shining, the t.v. in Poltergeist, Gordon Gecko in Wall Street, Stan Gable in Revenge of the Nerds, Hans Gruber in Die Hard, Biff (and Griff) Tannen in the Back to the Future franchise, and The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters.  Absent from this list is… what’s his name… I know exactly what he looks like – I can see his face right now… he was in a bunch of movies and always played the rich snobby jerk who was the bully who eventually got his comeuppins… he played one of the best movie villains of the 80s… what’s his name, who is “That Guy”?

“That Guy” is none other than William Zabka (aka Johnny Lawrence) from Karate Kid.  Although Zabka played villains in other 80s movies such as Just One of the Guys and Back to School, the pièce de résistance of his acting career has been without a doubt his portrayal of Johnny Lawrence.  You certainly recognize his face and remember the characters he has played; however, much like Clint Howard, you always vaguely remember the roles but not his name.  As a result, his status in the hierarchy of 80s movie villains has often been relegated to “That Guy” from Karate Kid.

So what makes “That Guy’s” Johnny Lawrence character so great?  First, he possessed every quintessential 80s bad boy / villain characteristic: he had feathered hair, he wore a red leather jacket and fingerless gloves, he was a member of a country club, he donned a full skeleton costume with matching minions, and he rode the all important dirt bike.  Note that most eighties villains, especially those in high school, possessed nearly the exact same characteristics and this may be part of the reason he is only remembered as “That Guy.”  Also, apparently in Reseda, California circa 1984 the end-all-and-be-all was how you performed in the All-Valley 19 and Under Karate Championship.  Let’s not forget to show “That Guy” some respect, he was the champion three years running until Daniel Larusso showed up.  And speaking of karate, what about the Cobra Kai dojo with Sensei Kresse?  Enough said.

His character was privy to some of the most creative and ingenious dialogue ever seen in a movie.  Approximately three-fourths of his dialogue occurred in relation to Cobra Kai, Kresse, or the All-Valley Tournament so he said “Yes/No sensei” quite often.  Additionally, the “AFI 100 Years… 100 Movie Quotes” seemed to leave this memorable exchange off its list:

Kreese: Sweep the leg.

Kreese: Do you have a problem with that?

Johnny: No, Sensei.

Kreese: No mercy.

Although inexplicably vanquished by a mere crane kick, even if we cannot recall his name, we will always remember William “Johnny Lawrence” Zabka as “That Guy.”

*Although we don’t normally embed videos in our posts, you must watch No More King’s “Sweep the Leg” music video directed by none other than “That Guy” himself, William Zabka – crank up the volume and watch for cameos*

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AnchormanPicLadies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention.  I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story.  I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen.  Cannonball! [Anchorman – The Legend of Ron Burgundy].

Anytime a new movie comes out that is extremely popular or culturally relevant, “That Guy” takes it upon himself to quote the movie incessantly for the next six months.  He uses every opportunity to slide a quote into the conversation whether it actually fits or not.  Quite often the quote that he chooses comes directly from the movie’s previews so everyone is already familiar with it regardless of whether they have seen the movie.

For some reason, “That Guy” seems to frequently choose the latest Will Ferrell movie to reference ad nauseam.  Note that if there is a recent Sacha Baron Cohen, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Ben Stiller movie out, he may intersperse references to these in his conversation as he waits for the perfect opportunity to say “Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said ‘I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’” [Talladega Nights – The Ballad of Ricky Bobby].

If you ever try to stage an intervention and confront “That Guy” regarding his excessive use of movie quotes, the conversation may sound something like this:

You:  Hey man, I need to talk to you for a second.

That Guy:  You think you need to talk to me, well “[i]n the annals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint Michigan Mega Bowl.” [Semi-Pro].  What’s up?

You:  There you go – it’s all this quoting of movies.  That’s all you do.  You really need to cut it out; you’re starting to sound like “That Guy.”

That Guy:  “I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?” [Step Brothers].  I don’t have a problem; I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.  I’m quoting hilarious movies and sounding pretty clever as a work them seamlessly into the conversation.  You just don’t get it, “[n]o one knows what it means, but it’s provocative…” [Blades of Glory].

You:  Dude, you really need to cut it out.  We’re all sick and tired of this.  If you don’t drop the quotes we’re going to cut you loose because we can’t deal with it anymore.

That Guy:  I never really looked at it that way.  I’ll try to cut back on the movie references.

You:  Thanks.  We’re good here; we’re cool.

That Guy:  “[I]t’s cool man, bring your green hat!” [Old School].

You:  <saying nothing you just shake your head in disapproval>

It’s okay to gently remind “That Guy” to take some off from quoting movies every now and then.  He will be surprised by how much more free time he has.  You ask him what he’ll be doing with all his newly found free time this weekend and his answer will invariably be “[w]ell, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that.  Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.” [Old School].

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combo hipster photoThis title is a bit misleading.  “Hipster” is a ubiquitous term that can refer to either a male or female individual who contains hipster tendencies and characteristics (compare this to the Guido/Guidette distinction).

Contrary to popular belief, there are multiple varieties of hipsters.  A full analysis and discussion of the varied types of hipsters is well-beyond the scope of this posting.  However, if you would like to learn of the breeds, visit “The Source” for a three-part series on classifying and categorizing hipsters.  For those who don’t have the time to read the series, “The Source” generally organizes hipsters into twelve groups: the natural, the newbie, the academic, the dilettante, the flower child, the detached ironic, the yuppie, the artiste, the ex-apt, the activist, the health nut, and the emo-goth.  I will attempt to summarize the various types of hipsters into a common set of characteristics.

The mecca of hipsterdom is without a doubt Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  If hipsters were a plague, Brooklyn would be the patient zero outbreak site.  All hipsters aspire to live in or at least take a hajj to their promised land.  However, if they are unable to live in Williamsburg other acceptable locations include Austin, Texas and Portland, Oregon.

In those locations, hipster usually reside in converted lofts or studio apartments.  With only unpaid internships at Pitchfork/Vice/Radar/Nylon Magazine, being members of multiple bands with names such as Manginica (plays music about the benefits of looking and dressing androgynously) or There’s A Ghost In My Closet (plays music about ghosts with sounds that emulate ghost calls), going to zombie parties (including dance parties, bar crawls, and playing kickball while in zombie make-up), and making great videos like this (The Hipster Olympics), they don’t have much time to have gainful employment.  Then how exactly do they afford their apartments, buy pre-made fixed gear bicycles, pay for their Parliament Menthols and PBR tallboys, and fund their weekend coke habits?  Why with their trust funds of course!  After attending prestigious northeastern prep schools and small private liberal arts colleges funded by mommy and daddy, they move to Williamsburg, Austin, or Portland and live off of their trust funds.

Now you know where they are located and what they do, the question still remains as how to spot him when you encounter “That Guy.”  He will most likely have messy or two-toned hair that obscures his vision over just one eye.  But don’t worry about “That Guy” not being able to see because he will have his unnecessary black thick rimmed nerdy glasses.  If not glasses, he will often be wearing a pair of oversized brightly colored plastic sunglasses at nighttime.  Just like his haircut, if he can grow facial hair, it will most likely be something “ironic” like a handlebar mustache or muttonchops.  Regardless of the season or how hot it is outside, “That Guy” will be wearing some kind of bandana or almost certainly a keffiyeh.  There is a very good chance he will be wearing a shirt from American Apparel, from a thrift / vintage store, or from Urban Outfitters.  Who knew “That Guy” was a mathlete at John F. Kennedy Elementary School back in 1987, that he supports hugs for drugs, or that he is a fan of airbrushed tigers that should appear on the side of a conversion van circa 1976?  His pants will be so tight that they are cutting off the circulation to his legs – someone should tell his sister in middle school that her brother borrowed a pair of her skinny jeans.  To compliment his outfit, “That Guy” will be wearing Converse or some type of neon colored Nikes.  But remember, regardless of what article of clothing it is, he will have to rip holes in it, break it in, and de-new the clothes before wearing them out.

Who knew it was such hard work to appear apathetic?  Oh right, “That Guy” did.

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jared leto guylinerAlthough there is a common misconception that guyliner is a new phenomena, its roots can be traced back to the likes of David Bowie, Alice Cooper, and Ozzy Osbourne.  Originally meant to shock and scare the mainstream, guyliner has been embraced as a fashion statement by the likes of “musicians” and other emo or scene-types like Pete Wentz, Jared Leto, and the lead singer of Tokyo Hotel.

Girls say it’s sexy on a guy and that guys should try it.  Really?!? Come on, really?  A scrawny, pale emo kid weighing a buck-fifteen from the suburbs dressed in all black or skinny jeans with an unnecessarily small t-shirt is not going to be sexy no matter what they do.  Having to go to the makeup counter at Macy’s for beauty product supplies or sharing make-up with female acquaintances does not make you cool, a badass, a rocker, or even a dude.*

You’re just “That Guy.”

* Please note that Johnny Depp is the lone exception of being able to pull off wearing guyliner regardless of whether it is in a movie (aka Captain Jack Sparrow) or not.

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wrestling tatMonday (Raw), Tuesday (ECW), Friday (Smackdown), and certain Sunday nights (ppv) are off limits for him; he will be parked in front of his tv wearing his replica WWE Championship Spinner Title Belt with his phone turned off so he doesn’t miss a thing.  He wears his NWO and Austin 3:16 shirt with pride.  He considers The Marine oscarworthy and has the complete box set of Thunder in Paradise on dvd.  He collects wrestling action figures (and whatever you do don’t call them dolls).  He has named his pet snakes Damien and Lucifer in homage to Jake “The Snake” Roberts.  He still hasn’t been kissed by a girl yet because he is “saving himself” for Stacy Keibler.  He has a lifetime subscription to Pro Wrestling Illustrated under the name Hulkamaniac and has it mailed to his parents house where he lives in the basement (note he doesn’t live with his parents; he pays rent and has a separate door to his “apartment”).

Even if you tell him that wrestling is fake, he won’t believe you.  He will deny it saying that it is real pointing to the significant injuries suffered by certain wrestlers.  He will ask you how diving off a twenty foot high steel cage onto another wrestler is fake.  He will ask how they can fake a steel chair shot to the head or being thrown out of the ring through a table.  But once he finds out it is actually scripted, he makes a face like you kicked his dog and told him there was no Santa, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy all at once.

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