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Posts Tagged ‘movies’

“Fresh beauty opens one’s eyes wherever it is really seen, but the very abundance and completeness of the common beauty that besets our steps prevents its being absorbed and appreciated.  It is a good thing, therefore, to make short excursions now and then to the bottom of the sea among dulse and coral, or up among the clouds on mountain-tops, or in balloons, or even to creep like worms into dark holes and caverns underground, not only to learn something of what is going on in those out-of-the-way places, but to see better what the sun sees on our return to common every-day beauty.” – John Muir (environmentalist, conservationist, and father of the Nation Parks)

No offense Mr. Muir, but if Manifest Destiny and Steven Colbert through his book “I Am America (and So Can You!)” have taught us anything, it’s that we must dominate both nature and animal.  Otherwise, we better be prepared for some Jurassic Park and 2012 type chaos.

That is, except for him.  So much for being the master of his own domain because he just got owned by nature.  He better watch out because FernGully and the Na’vi are pissed and they’re looking to take their revenge.

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What do you do when you get together with your friends for movie night?  Oh, I’m sorry that all of us aren’t as up to date on the latest “it” indie flick or critically acclaimed films that are supposedly shoe-ins for Oscars as your circle of friends.

Some of us like acting that wouldn’t be fit for early 90s tv movies of the week, insanely ridiculous plot lines that often involve inconsistencies and unexplainable yet humorous holes, and home-made quality special effects that high school drama geeks could have one-upped with jimmy rigged props made in their basements.  Some of us like movies that are so bad, cheesy, and borderline unwatchable that they are phenomenally great and must be both revered while at the same time mocked.  Some of us simply like awesomely bad movies.

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If you ever need to locate him, look no further than Dumbledore’s at Diagon Alley – the local comic book store.  He’s a part time clerk and lords over the place like it is his own personal Middle-earth.  With a supercilious attitude, he presides over the store pointing out story line inconsistencies and visual flaws in the newest releases.  Think Comic Book Guy, sans the wit and sarcasm.

He has amassed a collection of rare and vintage action figures that rivals only that of Steve Carell’s character, Andy Stitzer, in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.  Sure, he’s got Steve Austin and Oscar Goldman.  But unlike Andy, he’s got the even more obscure Six Million Dollar Man character action figure – Peggy Callahan, secretary to Oscar Goldman.

In addition to the obvious characters from Marvel Comics and DC Comics, he has figures from lesser known sources such as the graphic novels of Frank Miller, anime, and manga.  Plus, he collects quite a bit of underground and obscure material that you haven’t even heard of so he won’t take the time to even explain it to you.

Similar to Andy, he “lives alone… enjoys video games, [has a] framed a poster of eighties rock band Asia, and his social life seems to consist of watching Survivor with his elderly neighbors.”  Now that we think about it some more, he is also forty years old and still a virgin.  Huh.  That’s a not so surprising coincidence we are in no way shocked to realize.  If that’s the case, I wonder if he has his own personal copy of Boner Jams ’09 – a mixtape of all his favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2009…

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No!  Don’t go in there!  They’re right behind you!  That’s what she said!  Run, bitch, run!

He has modeled his movie going experience after Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show.  Thinking it is his own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and he’s sitting front row center between Crow and Servo, he throws up zingers and one liners like the actors in the movie can actually hear him.  Hopefully he’s at a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show because if not, his “audience participation” will be frowned upon more than when he tries to discretely take that ever so important phone call an hour into the movie.

No, we don’t care if the actor is obviously going to get killed when they walk into the deserted cabin.  It makes sense that they are slowly searching closets on the second floor of the house whose power has been cut when there is a serial killer on the loose.  Of course the scantily clad sorority girl will be able to outrun the killer through the woods and there’s no chance at all that she’ll trip, fall, and twist an ankle.  Really, what could go wrong with midnight skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

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you tell your wife that yes, those jeans do make your butt look fatCome on now.  Really?  I mean really?  Haven’t you been forced to watch enough humorless romantic comedies with Katherine Heigl or vapid t.v. sitcoms to know what you’re suppose to say in this situation?  Couldn’t you pull out that second Twix Bar and stuff it into your mouth to stall until you came up with a better answer?  Have Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, and Renée Zellweger taught you anything?  Apparently not, because you just told your wife that yes, those jeans do make her butt look fat.

How to answer a question like that is the first thing you are ingrained with when you enter into a relationship or get married.  When you are handed your man card, you also get a complimentary copy of the “Man-ual”.  If you took the time to glance through the table of contents, you would have known you could have skipped straight to Chapter Seven which is titled “How to Answer Questions you are bound to be asked.”  In addition to informing you that you should never say the first answer that pops into your head, you are also given pointers and stock answers for other common questions such as “What are you thinking?”, “Am I as attractive as the day we met?”, “Don’t you want to help out more around the house?”, “Am I prettier than her?”, “Did you just check her out?”, “Did you just say something?”, and “Do you think I should get a boob job?”  All you had to do was memorize a few simple fill-in-the-bank stock responses and you would have been money.  But no, of course you didn’t want to take the time to memorize a few key cya phrases.  Are you crazy – you look great in anything.  If anything, those jeans are slimming.  Where’d you go {insert her name here} – a super model just walked in.  If you can memorize all the lines to Caddyshack or the lyrics to White Snake’s “Here I Go Again”, then you can certainly remember a few key lines to help avoid a sex embargo that will last longer than it takes for Hugh Grant to bulk up, undandify himself, and take over Christian Bale’s role in the Batman franchise.

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Spiderman, Spiderman, Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong? Listen bud – He’s got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of the night, At the scene of the crime, Like a streak of light, He arrives just in time!

Spiderman, Spiderman, Friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Wealth and fame, he’s ignored – Action is his reward. To him, Life is a great big bang-up – Wherever there’s a hang-up, You’ll find the Spiderman!

spider man

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twilightA casual fan he is not.  It must be ingrained somewhere in his DNA that he cannot merely pick up a copy of the latest “it” book or hit movie without losing his mind.  He disregards his daily life with abandon as he throws himself head first into fictional worlds and tales of suspense and tween romance.  On that faithful day back in October 2005 when Twilight was first released, he finally found something to replace his obsession with all things Harry Potter.

Authored by Stephenie Meyer, the Twilight series – including the books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn – have been translated into at least 38 different languages and sold 70 million copies worldwide.  Additionally, the movie based on the first novel in the series grossed approximately $383,520,177 in worldwide box office receipt.  Not that any of this matters to him though.

He follows People, Star, and US Weekly religiously just to get his latest fix of Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner.  OMG, he can’t believe that they go to Starbucks just like the rest of us.  He says it’s bananas that they walk in and out of buildings and down the street like regular people.

He likes to ask if you saw the latest Twilight related post on PerezHilton.com.  He is fascinated that the buff one was walking around without a shirt on somewhere and he can’t believe that the two dating were reportedly seen out in public together.  Plus, he hasn’t yet decided which side to take in the epic debate: Team Edward or Team Jacob.

If you’ve checked your inbox anytime lately, you already know that he wants to tell you about the latest Facebook quiz he took – he really thought he was an Edward Cullen but it turns out he was a Jacob Black all along.

Don’t worry if you think all he does is follow tabloids and internet blogs regarding Twilight.  He’s pretty busy planning the 2010 TwiCon Conventions and writing his latest installment of fan fiction so at least he’s got that going for him.

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