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Archive for May, 2009

sunglasses at nightIt could be pitch black out during the dead of the night when there is not a ray of light around and “That Guy” would still cling to his sunglasses more than Roddy Piper in They Live.

He didn’t just come from the eye doctor after getting drops put in, he isn’t Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles, and he certainly isn’t a celebrity with the paparazzi chasing him for pictures.  He will most likely be a hipster with a pair of ironic sunglasses, a preppy with aviators, or a guido with a pair of Dior or Louie Vuitton oversized sunglasses glasses.

Apparently only “That Guy” and Corey Hart* wear their sunglasses at night.

* I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Watch you weave
Then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes.

– That sounds about right for “That Guy.”

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ed hardy deuchesEd Hardy t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and active wear feature hearts, skulls, dragons, and other “classic” tattoo designs.  Nothing says I’m fashionable and hip like a $100 t-shirt or $150 for a hoodie.  It’s a shame that the shirts don’t have Chinese characters or tribal armband designs to match “That Guy’s” real tattoos.

“That Guy” wears his Ed Hardy shirt out to a night club party he is promoting, out with the other guidos at the Jersey Shore, at the big UFC fight when his Tapout shirt is dirty, or when he is heading out for a night of partying with Rock of Love show rejects.  He will be hanging out with his boys, each of which he is in a full fledged bromance with, recapping last night’s episode of Entourage as he takes a break from doing the guido fist pump on the dance floor.

Some say Ed Hardy has replaced the former “That Guy” uniform of Von Dutch and a sideways trucker hat.  However, it is safe to say that he will still be accessorized with oversized sunglasses, overly gelled hair, a studded belt, some kind of man jewelry, and the foul stench of Axe body spray.  He will also be sporting the impeccably manicured, pencil-thin facial hair.  As always, when his picture is taken he leans back and puckers his lips like he is about to get it on with one of his bromance buddies.  He may flick off the camera or throw up a hand sign for the Apple Dumpling Gang for good measure.

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guy checking out girlHere’s how a typical conversation goes with “That Guy” and a woman: How’s it going “That Guy?”  Hey, eyes up here!  What have you been up to?  Are you staring at my chest?!?  Eye contact!  How was your day?  Did you just check out that girl that walked by?

He thinks he’s really slick and stealthy.  Oops, I dropped my pencil and it rolled over by your foot.  I can’t quite get that box on the top shelf, can you stretch and reach it for me.  It appears I am looking you in the eyes, but I’m actually staring at your chest.  Her back is turned, I can look all I want and make any asinine face without you ever noticing.  She’ll never know I’m staring if I use my peripherals to size her up.  Let me sneak a glance by catching her in a reflection.  I’m wearing sunglasses so I can leer without being noticed.

It may occur in an office, while in class, in a crowded restaurant, or walking down the street.  Whatever move he tries to use, we’ve seen it before and caught him in the act.  He gets flustered and tries to play if off like he wasn’t checking her out.  He gets a nervous laughter and tries to come up with an excuse.  Regardless, deep down inside he knows he was just got caught.

The pervey checkout – the go to move of “That Guy” since 1827.

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popped collar guysAccording to the all knowing and all powerful Wikipedia, the popped collar has a long and rich tradition in the history of fashion.  However, since the early eighties, the popped collar has been a staple of the preppy, frat, and “That Guy” wardrobe.  Turn on any eighties movie and as soon as you spot a popped collar you know who the rich, snob jerk is who will be taught a lesson by the scrawny, uncool, nerdy protagonist.  Ah the memories…

Putting it mildly, Wiki asserts that “some Americans regard the trend as having worn out, and thus the wearer of an upturned collar can be the object of mockery and scorn.”  Really?  You think?

Although almost exclusively limited to polo shirts, “That Guy” has expanded to virtually any button-up shirt with a collar.  Look no further than any college campus, frat house, or 80s night at a local bar and you will see a popped collar.  Most likely accessorized with aviator sunglasses, he wears the popped collar with pride like a child who got a participant ribbon after finishing in ninth place.

Keep an eye out for the uber-rare double popped collar – the “double douche canoe.”  As rare as a four leaf clover, if you are out and close your eyes and believe, really believe, you may just see one – “That Guy” wearing two polo shirts at once with BOTH collars popped.

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spray tan guysMore likely than not, “That Guy” with the spray-on or fake tan will be spotted in the winter or early spring months.  Although it is entirely too cold to go outside with the five feet of snow on the ground, “That Guy” walks in with a mocha brown tan like he just got back from a vacation on the surface of the sun or an orange ompa lumpa-ish color that is distinct to do-it-yourself home fake tan kits.  Whatever you do, make sure not to point out the two skin tones along the scalp line or the unusually brown palms of his hands.  There is a very good chance he is a guido or amateur bodybuilder so watch out for ‘roid rage if you do point this fact out.

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curls for the girlsEvery gym has “That Guy” and he really isn’t that hard to spot.  You will almost certainly find him near the free weights and a mirror.  He will be the only one in the gym not breaking a sweat and flexing for no apparent reason.

He will be doing some type of curl such as preacher curls, concentration curls, or hammer curls with a limited range of motion to maximize the opportunity to flex and admirer his biceps in the nearby mirror.  Very often he will be using some of the largest free weights available to “shock the guns” and have the opportunity to grunt like a guy in the bathroom after going to town on all-you-cab-eat gas station tacos.

He will never have a shirt with sleeves; at all times he must be able to see the contour and definition of his biceps.  The t-shirt will inevitably be from Gold’s Gym, Abercrombie & Fitch, his college fraternity, or a shirt with something along the lines as “Getting Lucky in Kentucky” printed on it.

He does curls for the girls because he believes that the bigger his biceps are, the more attractive he is to the opposite sex.  However, it has been empirically proven by the top researchers at “You Might Be That Guy If…” that there is an inverse relationship between the size of his biceps and well, you know…

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guidosThe guido is located almost exclusively in New York or New Jersey and rarely travels outside of the tri-state area.  Only during the summer months does he travel outside of his natural habitat to migrate east to the Jersey Shore where he rents a house for the entire summer with twenty other guidos or guidettes (female guidos).

During the fall, winter, and spring, you will most likely find him working in the food service industry or doing some kind of construction.  When not working, he will spend his time at the gym lifting weights in anticipation of summer or visiting a tanning salon until he gets an unnatural shade of brown (or orange if he self tans because he has a bodybuilding contest this weekend in Atlantic City).  Some say he is nocturnal because he is spotted at dance clubs every evening that focus exclusively on club, house, hip-hop, or eurotrash music.  His favorite dance move is the guido fist pump which consists of pumping a clenched fist in the air to the beat of the music as you take off your shirt to show off your unnaturally tan and ‘roid ripped body.  His drink of choice is Miller/Bud Lite or anything that contains either Jägermeister or Red Bull.

He is very easy to spot.  As already mentioned, he will be unusually tan or orange in color and muscular from being an amateur body builder.  His hair will be exceptionally gelled and almost certainly spiked up.  He will be wearing some kind of gold chain around his neck and oversized fake diamond earrings in both ears he most likely borrowed from his guidette sister.  His outfit consists of designer name brand jeans or trackpants and a shirt with a zipper that is so tight that it must have been bought at Baby Gap for Guidos (otherwise he wears a tanktop, an unbuttoned shirt, or no shirt at all).  When a picture is taken of him, he most likely leans back and puckers his lips for no apparent reason.

If you are still unsure how to spot him, see the excellent documentary Guido Beach.

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