You date That Girl

You almost feel sorry for him.  You almost pity him for what he has to deal with.  You almost wish you could take him aside, ask “what are you thinking”, and shake some sense into him.  Almost, but not really.  He has brought this all upon himself.  He has to be aware of the comments, staring, and dirty looks that ensue when he brings her to a social function.  He knows what everyone is thinking and says about her behind their backs.  His girlfriend is not-so-affectionately referred to as That Girl.

So how exactly did he get trapped into being with That Girl?  Although it’s a long and undoubtedly convoluted story, here’s the short version.  One of his mutual friends brought her to a party as his date awhile ago.  After being with the friend for a few weeks, she began to make the rounds in the group hoping that she would become someone’s girlfriend.  Even though he should have known better especially after hearing the details of her sexual promiscuity and neurotic personality from his friends, he ended up taking his turn dating her.

That was his first mistake because everything has gone downhill since then.  Wherever they go, she has to draw attention to herself and usually not in a good way.  She likes to make an entrance wearing barely there clothing that definitely doesn’t cover up her muffin top or tramp stamp tattoo.  Like most guidettes, she looks like a hot mess as she tries to pull off an all Ed Hardy or Juicy Couture outfit with tranny inspired make-up.

Her appearance aside, she is oblivious to the fact that she makes an ass of herself whenever they go out and she embarrasses everyone around her.  Wherever she is, drama, tears, and bipolar behavior is sure to follow.  She walks into the place like she owns it and everyone should know who she is.  She orders copious amounts of alcohol throughout the course of the evening resulting in her becoming a sloppy drunk.  She sings along to every song that is played and acts as though the club DJ is her own personal iPod (we get it; you like Katy Perry, LMFAO, and Cobra Starship).  When “her jam” comes on, she gets up on a table or the bar and dances ala Coyote Ugly sans the talent or coordination.  And make sure to warn everyone in the club if he talks to any other girls or, conversely, they talk to him.  She goes from zero to Jerry Springer levels of crazy assuming that the girl is trying to steal him away from her or that he is already sleeping with her.  If this happens, hopefully he is prepared to become acquainted with club security and the film crew for Cops.

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You have excessive body hair

Walking into the room with what can only be described as a shag chest carpet, he looks like a stunt double for a 70s porn star.  It appears he is frozen in a time and era that has never before heard of the word manscaping.

He has a full and thick moustache modeled after the “biker” from the Village People.  His chest hair sticks out from his open shirt like a groundhog checking to see how many more weeks of winter there will be.  Accentuated by gold chains and medallions, his thicket of chest hair is used to cover up his moobs [man boobs].  Like an uncontrollable weed outbreak, hair is not isolated to just his chest and face.  His back, forearms, legs, and feet are blanketed in body hair.  PETA has repeatedly thrown red paint on him thinking he was wearing a fur coat only to subsequently realize he was walking around shirtless while wearing shorts.  And did we forget to mention that his happy trail looks like a chia-pet trying to escape from his pants?

With so much body hair, he must take special precautions when hiking through the woods as he is often mistaken for Bigfoot or a yeti.  Did he shave a sheep, lather up in molasses, and then roll around in the wool?  Nope, that’s all him.  But its okay; he and his other bear friends are into the doughy physique and excessive body hair.

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You are a wigger

Needless to say, there is some disconnect between the urban hip-hop culture and his upbringing.  He is from the affluent suburbs of the city and resides in a gated golf course community.  He has attended private schools and had tutors until middle or high school when his parents, a prominent doctor and his trophy wife, decided that he needed to meet “different” people so that he could speak of his experiences with diversity on his college applications (despite the fact he is a shoe-in at a private Northeastern university because he is a legacy and the new science building was funded by his family’s trust fund).

Often, this transformative journey begins in school when he is first introduced to rap and/or hip-hop music.  Although he has never been to one nor met anyone who is from a ghetto, the projects, or the hood, something resonates with him and he is drawn to the mannerisms, slang, apparel, and general culture of urban African Americans.  And so he becomes a wigger.

He speaks in a dialect that combines the speech patterns of Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Pootie Tang, and Snoop Dogg into a nearly indecipherable parlance.

He dresses like a bad imitation of Eminem, Kevin Federline, or to a lesser degree Justin Timberlake.  Think Ali G or anyone in the movie Malibu’s Most Wanted.  He is seen wearing oversized and baggy clothes or track suits with a puffy jacket even when it is 120° in the shade as he cruises his hood, Palm Springs, in the middle of the summer.  He prefers “bling” chains adorned with diamonds and some medallion touting how “hard” he is or simply saying “Thug Life” in homage to his boy, Tupac.  Additionally he wears a do-rag he picked up at the local Hot-Topic or a throwback sports team hat with a flat rim and the sticker still on it.

So what does he do with his free time?  He seems to enjoy cruising around his hood with his homies looking for shorties to holla’ at in his behemoth SUV, either a Navigator or an Escalade with tinted windows and spinner rims.  He can often be found sitting in the local park, naturally named after his family, drinking 40s of Colt [.45] or OE [Old English].  As he sips on the juice with his crew, he often laments that he is “missundastood” and will “bust a cap in yo’ ass if you be playa hatin’.”  His favorite past time without fail is ghost ridin’ da whip.  Although he believes he looks like THIS when he does it, it actually is quite a spectacular failure and he looks something like THIS.

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You pose in front of your car

He’s out for a night on the town with a bunch of friends.  Someone brought a camera and everyone has been taking candid and funny photos all evening.  Most are your typical pictures on a night out – arms around each other smiling or everyone leaning in as a waiter or random passerby takes a picture of the group.  Not the ones with him in it though.

He may oblige and take a few “normal” pictures.  However, the bulk of his pictures are of him posing in front of his car (all done at his request, of course).  Very rarely does he have a new, slick looking car like a BMW, Mercedes, Audi, or Porsche that he could be proud of and want to show off.  More likely than not, the car he poses in front of is a Joe Dirt-esq Honda or Ford in some state of disrepair.  The car’s license plate, which is a douchey vanity plate with something along the lines of “02 BE ME” (oh to be me) or “1NTSTND” (one night stand), is surrounded by a neon light border.  The car is two-toned: rust and primer.  He is in the process of doing his own kit upgrades on the car – he has both lowered his car and attached a homemade spoiler to the back.  He has tampered with the muffler and exhaust system so that everyone can hear him coming.  His windows are covered with the likes of Tapout and Nos stickers.  And not to be outdone by anyone, he has rims on his car (abet only two of his wheels – the other two are on layaway).

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You are a buzzkill

According to the Urban Dictionary (yes, they are just as reliable and prestigious as Webster’s or the Oxford English Dictionary), a buzzkill is “something that spoils or ruins an otherwise enjoyable event”, “someone who personifies a big black hole where all fun goes to die”, or in verb form it means “to selectively and deliberately bring down someone’s mood by actions that are designed to irritate, annoy or downright upset a person”.  Also known as a killjoy, debbie downer, party pooper, spoilsport, negative nancy, or fun sucker, they show up to the function and ruin it for the rest of us.

He will show up an hour and a half late and have to announce his entrance to everyone present.  He is unnecessarily loud and thinks that his jokes will be funnier the louder he tells them and the more he (alone) laughs.  He gets drunk surprisingly quickly and subsequently stumble into other people causing them to spill their drinks.  Depending on how late it is, he may even fall down trying to dance breaking furniture or barware in the process.  Everyone is making plans to meet up later at a bar; however, he decides to declare that the bar is so last week and anyone who goes there is a tool.  Regardless, he will spill drinks, throw food on the floor, and otherwise trash the bathroom before calling it a night.  And by calling it a night, we mean he passes out during the party on the couch or in cuddling the toilet in the bathroom floor.

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You wear ironic t-shirts

He spends his days searching thrift stores and his nights pouring over the internet looking for the perfect t-shirt.  He has very high standards for his shirts.  Regardless of their quality or condition, they at a minimum must be clever, if not ironic.  He likes his t-shirts to have a message and tell you something about himself.  Here are a few fun and informative facts about him as presented by his t-shirts:

– He was a member of the Whackin’ Wizards team that won the 1986 Buddy C. Clancey Junior High kickball tournament.

– He watches the Thundercats, Captain Planet, and He-Man.

– You’d better keep an eye on him because he supports the Cobras in their epic war against the Joes.

– Jesus is his homeboy.

– He supports his furry friends like the Rescue Rangers, Gizmo, or any of the creatures from Fraggle Rock or Sesame Street.

– His tuxedo t-shirt lets you know that he can be formal and knows when to dress up but relaxed enough to want to party.

– He is single handedly trying to bring back the 1970s retro sports team logos for the NBA, ABA, NFL, and MLB.

– Although he was only three years old, he wants to let you know he somehow got tickets to the 1990 California Raisins concert and worldwide tv event Raisins: Sold Out!  Additionally, he must have a time machine in his basement because he has “vintage” concert t-shirts for bands like the Clash and the Rolling Stones from their respective 1983 world tours.

– He does his civic duty by letting everyone he passes know that he believes “Crack is Whack” even though he was born after N.W.A. came Straight Outta Compton in 1988.

– If, perhaps, your weekend if free, his t-shirt advertises that he has two tickets to the gun show.  You’d better call soon because they look like they may go fast.  He also is offering moustache rides for 5¢.  At a price like that, how could you not take him up on his offer!

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You consider Guitar Hero a musical instrument

We’ve all seen him at the local video arcade or Chuck-E-Cheese.  Formerly hooked on Dance Dance Revolution, his new addiction is Guitar Hero.  After a riveting game of whack-a-mole and an awkward trip to the ball pit, he exchanges his paycheck for a stack of game tokens.  Even after a few coughs and remarks from parents commenting on letting the kids have a chance to play, he has no qualms about making everyone wait in line as he tries to achieve “Guitar God” status regardless of how long or how much money it takes.  Little Suzy is just going to have to wait even though it is her birthday.

He seems to forget that Guitar Hero is a video game and not a real musical instrument.  Although he has been consistently reminded by friends and acquaintances not to take it so seriously (just like when he plays pick up basketball), he is oblivious to the obvious.  He downloads music to his iPod based on what songs are on the latest version of Guitar Hero or popular on the Guitar Hero music catalogue.  He spends his free time watching Youtube videos of others playing Guitar Hero to “brush up on his technique” and really figure out how to “shred.”  Once he gets his confidence up, he plans on going to the local sports bar for the Guitar Hero “open mic” night to “kill it.”  Hopefully someone reminds him what happens when he reaches the magical 1,000,000 points level prior to his public debut…

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You know a guy who knows a guy

Everyone knows him.  He’s the guy who has the latest gadget or highly anticipated new release before it hits the shelves.  If you need it, he can get it.  Just like Master P, he’s got the hook-up.  He knows a guy who knows a guy who can get you anything you want at a price that makes you question the legality of the transaction.

A 64 inch hi-def tv for $100?  He can get it for you.  A bottle of the world’s most expensive wine, a 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux, which incidentally belonged to Thomas Jefferson?  Sure, not a problem.  It’ll be $250, no questions asked.  What about a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?  It doesn’t even matter that the film isn’t finished being made; he can get you the director’s cut on DVD or Blu-ray.

When pressed about his source for the seemingly unbelievable deals, he simply responds that you don’t need to worry about it.  Does he know a guy at a big box store or someone in manufacturing that can get this stuff wholesale?  It’s better that you didn’t know.  Does he get it from the trunk of a guy’s car or from a guy’s trench coat in an alley somewhere?  He asks you if you really want to know where he get his stuff from and he emphasizes REALLY.  You make the mistake of saying yes and long story short, things end as well for you as with Dave Chappelle when he spent a night out with Wayne Brady.

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You wear a baby bjorn

He believes he is a loving husband and doting father.  He would like to carry around the baby to give his significant other the afternoon off.  They’ve got a lot of places to go today: Home Depot to buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that and maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, he doesn’t know if he’ll have enough time.  Other couples pass him in the store and the wives chastise their husbands asking why they can’t be more like him.

However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  If he was in Look Who’s Talking, his baby would tell him that being carried around in a baby bjorn is demeaning and embarrassing for the both of them.  He would be told by the baby that he is baby cock blocking him with the sweet blond in the stroller with the Elmo juice sippy cup over there.  It’s been on since they passed at the Build-A-Bear Workshop, it continued while they shopped in Baby Gap, and after seeing him in the baby bjorn there’s no chance they will be sharing a mat during nap time later.  The baby would remind him that using a baby bjorn is a gateway to a child leash where no one wins.

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You are in a bromance

Just like former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of obscenity, you know it when you see him.  He and the guy that he is with are in a full fledged bromance.  There is no bright line test to identify this; but when they are seen together it becomes rather obvious that they are more than “best bros.”  They share a bond deeper than one between a husband and wife or woman and child.  It’s more than creepy, but slightly less than disturbing.

So what types of guys seem to get into bromances?  It’s almost a loaded question because you already know the types – the douchey frat guys with popped collars on their polo shirts, New York / New Jersey guidos, guys with matching spray-on or fake tans, and guys who wear Ed Hardy, Tapout, or Affliction t-shirts.  But watch out because if they do wear Ed Hardy shirts, they will be matching with similar bedazzled and glittered skulls and a sideways trucker hat.

Similar to the movie “I Love You, Man”, they often call each other nicknames that stem from an inside joke after a long night out ten years ago when they first became “involved.”  Be ready to hear such non-sensical names as Bro Montana, Muchacha, or Joben.

When they hang out, he will spend more time getting ready for his bro than when he goes out with his girlfriend.  Although when asked what they will be doing he will inevitably answer watching the big game, having some beers, and play some Call of Duty, that is only a half truth.  After doing all that, they may have a big night planned.  Maybe go to the club, get on the dance floor together, and do the guido fist pump in unison.  Possibly go to the bar and act as wingmen for each other.  Or perhaps they will have a quiet, intimate rendezvous and hang out giving each other high fives, fist bumps, or chest bumps until the sun comes up.

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