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Posts Tagged ‘guido fist pump’

bromanceJust like former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of obscenity, you know it when you see him.  He and the guy that he is with are in a full fledged bromance.  There is no bright line test to identify this; but when they are seen together it becomes rather obvious that they are more than “best bros.”  They share a bond deeper than one between a husband and wife or woman and child.  It’s more than creepy, but slightly less than disturbing.

So what types of guys seem to get into bromances?  It’s almost a loaded question because you already know the types – the douchey frat guys with popped collars on their polo shirts, New York / New Jersey guidos, guys with matching spray-on or fake tans, and guys who wear Ed Hardy, Tapout, or Affliction t-shirts.  But watch out because if they do wear Ed Hardy shirts, they will be matching with similar bedazzled and glittered skulls and a sideways trucker hat.

Similar to the movie “I Love You, Man”, they often call each other nicknames that stem from an inside joke after a long night out ten years ago when they first became “involved.”  Be ready to hear such non-sensical names as Bro Montana, Muchacha, or Joben.

When they hang out, he will spend more time getting ready for his bro than when he goes out with his girlfriend.  Although when asked what they will be doing he will inevitably answer watching the big game, having some beers, and play some Call of Duty, that is only a half truth.  After doing all that, they may have a big night planned.  Maybe go to the club, get on the dance floor together, and do the guido fist pump in unison.  Possibly go to the bar and act as wingmen for each other.  Or perhaps they will have a quiet, intimate rendezvous and hang out giving each other high fives, fist bumps, or chest bumps until the sun comes up.

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ed hardy deuchesEd Hardy t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and active wear feature hearts, skulls, dragons, and other “classic” tattoo designs.  Nothing says I’m fashionable and hip like a $100 t-shirt or $150 for a hoodie.  It’s a shame that the shirts don’t have Chinese characters or tribal armband designs to match “That Guy’s” real tattoos.

“That Guy” wears his Ed Hardy shirt out to a night club party he is promoting, out with the other guidos at the Jersey Shore, at the big UFC fight when his Tapout shirt is dirty, or when he is heading out for a night of partying with Rock of Love show rejects.  He will be hanging out with his boys, each of which he is in a full fledged bromance with, recapping last night’s episode of Entourage as he takes a break from doing the guido fist pump on the dance floor.

Some say Ed Hardy has replaced the former “That Guy” uniform of Von Dutch and a sideways trucker hat.  However, it is safe to say that he will still be accessorized with oversized sunglasses, overly gelled hair, a studded belt, some kind of man jewelry, and the foul stench of Axe body spray.  He will also be sporting the impeccably manicured, pencil-thin facial hair.  As always, when his picture is taken he leans back and puckers his lips like he is about to get it on with one of his bromance buddies.  He may flick off the camera or throw up a hand sign for the Apple Dumpling Gang for good measure.

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guidosThe guido is located almost exclusively in New York or New Jersey and rarely travels outside of the tri-state area.  Only during the summer months does he travel outside of his natural habitat to migrate east to the Jersey Shore where he rents a house for the entire summer with twenty other guidos or guidettes (female guidos).

During the fall, winter, and spring, you will most likely find him working in the food service industry or doing some kind of construction.  When not working, he will spend his time at the gym lifting weights in anticipation of summer or visiting a tanning salon until he gets an unnatural shade of brown (or orange if he self tans because he has a bodybuilding contest this weekend in Atlantic City).  Some say he is nocturnal because he is spotted at dance clubs every evening that focus exclusively on club, house, hip-hop, or eurotrash music.  His favorite dance move is the guido fist pump which consists of pumping a clenched fist in the air to the beat of the music as you take off your shirt to show off your unnaturally tan and ‘roid ripped body.  His drink of choice is Miller/Bud Lite or anything that contains either Jägermeister or Red Bull.

He is very easy to spot.  As already mentioned, he will be unusually tan or orange in color and muscular from being an amateur body builder.  His hair will be exceptionally gelled and almost certainly spiked up.  He will be wearing some kind of gold chain around his neck and oversized fake diamond earrings in both ears he most likely borrowed from his guidette sister.  His outfit consists of designer name brand jeans or trackpants and a shirt with a zipper that is so tight that it must have been bought at Baby Gap for Guidos (otherwise he wears a tanktop, an unbuttoned shirt, or no shirt at all).  When a picture is taken of him, he most likely leans back and puckers his lips for no apparent reason.

If you are still unsure how to spot him, see the excellent documentary Guido Beach.

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