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Posts Tagged ‘vintage’

If you ever need to locate him, look no further than Dumbledore’s at Diagon Alley – the local comic book store.  He’s a part time clerk and lords over the place like it is his own personal Middle-earth.  With a supercilious attitude, he presides over the store pointing out story line inconsistencies and visual flaws in the newest releases.  Think Comic Book Guy, sans the wit and sarcasm.

He has amassed a collection of rare and vintage action figures that rivals only that of Steve Carell’s character, Andy Stitzer, in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.  Sure, he’s got Steve Austin and Oscar Goldman.  But unlike Andy, he’s got the even more obscure Six Million Dollar Man character action figure – Peggy Callahan, secretary to Oscar Goldman.

In addition to the obvious characters from Marvel Comics and DC Comics, he has figures from lesser known sources such as the graphic novels of Frank Miller, anime, and manga.  Plus, he collects quite a bit of underground and obscure material that you haven’t even heard of so he won’t take the time to even explain it to you.

Similar to Andy, he “lives alone… enjoys video games, [has a] framed a poster of eighties rock band Asia, and his social life seems to consist of watching Survivor with his elderly neighbors.”  Now that we think about it some more, he is also forty years old and still a virgin.  Huh.  That’s a not so surprising coincidence we are in no way shocked to realize.  If that’s the case, I wonder if he has his own personal copy of Boner Jams ’09 – a mixtape of all his favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2009…

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ironic tshirt

He spends his days searching thrift stores and his nights pouring over the internet looking for the perfect t-shirt.  He has very high standards for his shirts.  Regardless of their quality or condition, they at a minimum must be clever, if not ironic.  He likes his t-shirts to have a message and tell you something about himself.  Here are a few fun and informative facts about him as presented by his t-shirts:

– He was a member of the Whackin’ Wizards team that won the 1986 Buddy C. Clancey Junior High kickball tournament.

– He watches the Thundercats, Captain Planet, and He-Man.

– You’d better keep an eye on him because he supports the Cobras in their epic war against the Joes.

– Jesus is his homeboy.

– He supports his furry friends like the Rescue Rangers, Gizmo, or any of the creatures from Fraggle Rock or Sesame Street.

– His tuxedo t-shirt lets you know that he can be formal and knows when to dress up but relaxed enough to want to party.

– He is single handedly trying to bring back the 1970s retro sports team logos for the NBA, ABA, NFL, and MLB.

– Although he was only three years old, he wants to let you know he somehow got tickets to the 1990 California Raisins concert and worldwide tv event Raisins: Sold Out!  Additionally, he must have a time machine in his basement because he has “vintage” concert t-shirts for bands like the Clash and the Rolling Stones from their respective 1983 world tours.

– He does his civic duty by letting everyone he passes know that he believes “Crack is Whack” even though he was born after N.W.A. came Straight Outta Compton in 1988.

– If, perhaps, your weekend if free, his t-shirt advertises that he has two tickets to the gun show.  You’d better call soon because they look like they may go fast.  He also is offering moustache rides for 5¢.  At a price like that, how could you not take him up on his offer!

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