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Posts Tagged ‘ed hardy’

ed hardy beerAlthough we don’t normally do this, we would like to supplement our previous post on wearing Ed Hardy.  Now you can not only look like a douche bag, you can also drink and get drunk like one too.  You can now drink Ed Hardy brand beer.

In a shrewd business move made in an effort to expand the brand of choice for those that try too hard, Ed Hardy has partnered with a little known Mexican brewer to bring Ed Hardy Light Beer and Ed Hardy Premium Beer to the masses.  Adorned with the likes of a tiger and flaming skull with a dagger through it, the bottles appear to be geared towards those who are fans of the “lifestyle brand.”

For those readers that will inevitably say something along the lines of don’t knock it until you try it, here’s a review from our recent tasting of the beers.

Aroma:  Smells of desperation, hair gel, and Axe body spray with subtle hints of day old stripper sweat and Jägerbombs.

Appearance:  Pours a radiant shade of silver bedazzle and glitter that inexplicably turns an unnatural shade of brown or orange in the vein of fake tanners.  At first glance you think drinking it makes you look like you are partying like a rockstar; however, you just end up looking like Jon Gosselin.

Flavor:  Tastes like Red Bull and vodka mixed a strain of hepatitis only found in girls that would hang out with THESE guys.

Palate:  A bitter and sobering finish when you realize you just paid for and drank an Ed Hardy beer.

Overall:  Fail.

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that-guy-with-that-girlYou almost feel sorry for him.  You almost pity him for what he has to deal with.  You almost wish you could take him aside, ask “what are you thinking”, and shake some sense into him.  Almost, but not really.  He has brought this all upon himself.  He has to be aware of the comments, staring, and dirty looks that ensue when he brings her to a social function.  He knows what everyone is thinking and says about her behind their backs.  His girlfriend is not-so-affectionately referred to as That Girl.

So how exactly did he get trapped into being with That Girl?  Although it’s a long and undoubtedly convoluted story, here’s the short version.  One of his mutual friends brought her to a party as his date awhile ago.  After being with the friend for a few weeks, she began to make the rounds in the group hoping that she would become someone’s girlfriend.  Even though he should have known better especially after hearing the details of her sexual promiscuity and neurotic personality from his friends, he ended up taking his turn dating her.

That was his first mistake because everything has gone downhill since then.  Wherever they go, she has to draw attention to herself and usually not in a good way.  She likes to make an entrance wearing barely there clothing that definitely doesn’t cover up her muffin top or tramp stamp tattoo.  Like most guidettes, she looks like a hot mess as she tries to pull off an all Ed Hardy or Juicy Couture outfit with tranny inspired make-up.

Her appearance aside, she is oblivious to the fact that she makes an ass of herself whenever they go out and she embarrasses everyone around her.  Wherever she is, drama, tears, and bipolar behavior is sure to follow.  She walks into the place like she owns it and everyone should know who she is.  She orders copious amounts of alcohol throughout the course of the evening resulting in her becoming a sloppy drunk.  She sings along to every song that is played and acts as though the club DJ is her own personal iPod (we get it; you like Katy Perry, LMFAO, and Cobra Starship).  When “her jam” comes on, she gets up on a table or the bar and dances ala Coyote Ugly sans the talent or coordination.  And make sure to warn everyone in the club if he talks to any other girls or, conversely, they talk to him.  She goes from zero to Jerry Springer levels of crazy assuming that the girl is trying to steal him away from her or that he is already sleeping with her.  If this happens, hopefully he is prepared to become acquainted with club security and the film crew for Cops.

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bromanceJust like former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of obscenity, you know it when you see him.  He and the guy that he is with are in a full fledged bromance.  There is no bright line test to identify this; but when they are seen together it becomes rather obvious that they are more than “best bros.”  They share a bond deeper than one between a husband and wife or woman and child.  It’s more than creepy, but slightly less than disturbing.

So what types of guys seem to get into bromances?  It’s almost a loaded question because you already know the types – the douchey frat guys with popped collars on their polo shirts, New York / New Jersey guidos, guys with matching spray-on or fake tans, and guys who wear Ed Hardy, Tapout, or Affliction t-shirts.  But watch out because if they do wear Ed Hardy shirts, they will be matching with similar bedazzled and glittered skulls and a sideways trucker hat.

Similar to the movie “I Love You, Man”, they often call each other nicknames that stem from an inside joke after a long night out ten years ago when they first became “involved.”  Be ready to hear such non-sensical names as Bro Montana, Muchacha, or Joben.

When they hang out, he will spend more time getting ready for his bro than when he goes out with his girlfriend.  Although when asked what they will be doing he will inevitably answer watching the big game, having some beers, and play some Call of Duty, that is only a half truth.  After doing all that, they may have a big night planned.  Maybe go to the club, get on the dance floor together, and do the guido fist pump in unison.  Possibly go to the bar and act as wingmen for each other.  Or perhaps they will have a quiet, intimate rendezvous and hang out giving each other high fives, fist bumps, or chest bumps until the sun comes up.

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ed hardy deuchesEd Hardy t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and active wear feature hearts, skulls, dragons, and other “classic” tattoo designs.  Nothing says I’m fashionable and hip like a $100 t-shirt or $150 for a hoodie.  It’s a shame that the shirts don’t have Chinese characters or tribal armband designs to match “That Guy’s” real tattoos.

“That Guy” wears his Ed Hardy shirt out to a night club party he is promoting, out with the other guidos at the Jersey Shore, at the big UFC fight when his Tapout shirt is dirty, or when he is heading out for a night of partying with Rock of Love show rejects.  He will be hanging out with his boys, each of which he is in a full fledged bromance with, recapping last night’s episode of Entourage as he takes a break from doing the guido fist pump on the dance floor.

Some say Ed Hardy has replaced the former “That Guy” uniform of Von Dutch and a sideways trucker hat.  However, it is safe to say that he will still be accessorized with oversized sunglasses, overly gelled hair, a studded belt, some kind of man jewelry, and the foul stench of Axe body spray.  He will also be sporting the impeccably manicured, pencil-thin facial hair.  As always, when his picture is taken he leans back and puckers his lips like he is about to get it on with one of his bromance buddies.  He may flick off the camera or throw up a hand sign for the Apple Dumpling Gang for good measure.

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