Posts Tagged ‘family’

It was a magical night back on Nana and Pop-pop’s 50th wedding anniversary.  The sights, the sounds, the ambiance.  It was a night to remember for more than one reason.

The evening started off a little slow as he had to make the rounds catching up with all the seldom seen relatives.  His cousin Jeff just got into law school.  Meghan, his third cousin twice removed, just had her second kid.  Uncle Mort recovered from his broken hip just in time to make it.  Thank goodness for the open bar or he would have thrown himself under Grandpa Pete’s motorized wheelchair just to get away from it all.

That was until he saw her from across the room.  It wasn’t so much that when their eyes met it was like two star-crossed lovers passing in the night.  No, when their eyes met, he could tell.  He could tell that it was on and was going to be a good night.  He’s seen the look she gave him before.  It’s the look that he has often given the ladies.  There’s no getting around it, she just eye-fucked the shit out of him.

Three drinks, two dances, and about a minute of small talk later, they were in the coat room going at it like a couple of teens in the back of a prom night limo after splitting a fifth of Peach Schnapps.  It was one of those sloppy make-outs where you just want to go up to them and say slow down turbo (that is, if you could actually stomach walking in on them).  Seven minutes in heaven later, they composed themselves and walked out to rejoin the festivities.

After a little over the clothes groping, he thought it would only be polite to ask her name.  Jennifer.  Feeling obligated, he followed up.  So Jennifer, where are you from?  Ohio.  Oh, I’ve got some relatives there.  Where in Ohio are you from?  Columbus.  What a coincidence, that’s where my Aunt Lois is from.  That’s weird; my mom’s name is Lois.  Huh.  By any chance, is your uncle’s name Stewart?  Yeah, about that… things just got a whole mess of awkward.

After this genetic disaster wrapped in a familial fiasco topped with a sprinkling of shame, we’re pretty sure you can take their names off the guest list for next summer’s family reunion in Palm Springs.


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As a parent, all you can do is work hard, teach them well, and hope for the best.  Sometimes your kids don’t turn out quite as you hope they would but you love them regardless.  Sometimes you luck out and they’re upstanding citizens and productive members of society.  And other times, they don’t listen to a word you say, look and act like Bizarro you, and people wonder how you two are related.  In this case, it sucks to be you because your kid just turned out cooler than you.  Now make yourself scarce and go get him a juice box, little man and I have some business to discuss.

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baby bjornHe believes he is a loving husband and doting father.  He would like to carry around the baby to give his significant other the afternoon off.  They’ve got a lot of places to go today: Home Depot to buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that and maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, he doesn’t know if he’ll have enough time.  Other couples pass him in the store and the wives chastise their husbands asking why they can’t be more like him.

However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  If he was in Look Who’s Talking, his baby would tell him that being carried around in a baby bjorn is demeaning and embarrassing for the both of them.  He would be told by the baby that he is baby cock blocking him with the sweet blond in the stroller with the Elmo juice sippy cup over there.  It’s been on since they passed at the Build-A-Bear Workshop, it continued while they shopped in Baby Gap, and after seeing him in the baby bjorn there’s no chance they will be sharing a mat during nap time later.  The baby would remind him that using a baby bjorn is a gateway to a child leash where no one wins.

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Honey, let’s go to Sears Portrait Studio and ask for a Hudson River School background with soft-light effects for our family picture.  Plus, we need to class it up and go shirtless while you’re preggers.


from Awkward Family Photos

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