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Posts Tagged ‘fake tan’

ed hardy beerAlthough we don’t normally do this, we would like to supplement our previous post on wearing Ed Hardy.  Now you can not only look like a douche bag, you can also drink and get drunk like one too.  You can now drink Ed Hardy brand beer.

In a shrewd business move made in an effort to expand the brand of choice for those that try too hard, Ed Hardy has partnered with a little known Mexican brewer to bring Ed Hardy Light Beer and Ed Hardy Premium Beer to the masses.  Adorned with the likes of a tiger and flaming skull with a dagger through it, the bottles appear to be geared towards those who are fans of the “lifestyle brand.”

For those readers that will inevitably say something along the lines of don’t knock it until you try it, here’s a review from our recent tasting of the beers.

Aroma:  Smells of desperation, hair gel, and Axe body spray with subtle hints of day old stripper sweat and Jägerbombs.

Appearance:  Pours a radiant shade of silver bedazzle and glitter that inexplicably turns an unnatural shade of brown or orange in the vein of fake tanners.  At first glance you think drinking it makes you look like you are partying like a rockstar; however, you just end up looking like Jon Gosselin.

Flavor:  Tastes like Red Bull and vodka mixed a strain of hepatitis only found in girls that would hang out with THESE guys.

Palate:  A bitter and sobering finish when you realize you just paid for and drank an Ed Hardy beer.

Overall:  Fail.

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bromanceJust like former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of obscenity, you know it when you see him.  He and the guy that he is with are in a full fledged bromance.  There is no bright line test to identify this; but when they are seen together it becomes rather obvious that they are more than “best bros.”  They share a bond deeper than one between a husband and wife or woman and child.  It’s more than creepy, but slightly less than disturbing.

So what types of guys seem to get into bromances?  It’s almost a loaded question because you already know the types – the douchey frat guys with popped collars on their polo shirts, New York / New Jersey guidos, guys with matching spray-on or fake tans, and guys who wear Ed Hardy, Tapout, or Affliction t-shirts.  But watch out because if they do wear Ed Hardy shirts, they will be matching with similar bedazzled and glittered skulls and a sideways trucker hat.

Similar to the movie “I Love You, Man”, they often call each other nicknames that stem from an inside joke after a long night out ten years ago when they first became “involved.”  Be ready to hear such non-sensical names as Bro Montana, Muchacha, or Joben.

When they hang out, he will spend more time getting ready for his bro than when he goes out with his girlfriend.  Although when asked what they will be doing he will inevitably answer watching the big game, having some beers, and play some Call of Duty, that is only a half truth.  After doing all that, they may have a big night planned.  Maybe go to the club, get on the dance floor together, and do the guido fist pump in unison.  Possibly go to the bar and act as wingmen for each other.  Or perhaps they will have a quiet, intimate rendezvous and hang out giving each other high fives, fist bumps, or chest bumps until the sun comes up.

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spray tan guysMore likely than not, “That Guy” with the spray-on or fake tan will be spotted in the winter or early spring months.  Although it is entirely too cold to go outside with the five feet of snow on the ground, “That Guy” walks in with a mocha brown tan like he just got back from a vacation on the surface of the sun or an orange ompa lumpa-ish color that is distinct to do-it-yourself home fake tan kits.  Whatever you do, make sure not to point out the two skin tones along the scalp line or the unusually brown palms of his hands.  There is a very good chance he is a guido or amateur bodybuilder so watch out for ‘roid rage if you do point this fact out.

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