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Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

Not that anyone from YMBTGI has ever been to an adult bookstore (cough, averted gaze, scratching the back of our neck…), but this is how we would picture him behind the counter: DJ Qualls and Clint Howard had a child through some miracle of science, then Anne Ramsey (better known as Ma Fratelli from The Goonies) had a child with Steve Buscemi, and somehow in the not too distant future the two disturbing babies hooked up and gave birth to him.

What he lacks in appearance aside, he is able to impress with his almost ubiquitous knowledge of adult movies and “accessories”.  He can point you in the right direction for just about anything you want, could possibly want, and now wish you had never heard of after he showed it to you that one time.  Whatever you do, don’t ask him what he has in the back for his favorite customers.  But hey, if you do ask for some reason, at least you’ll find out how to delicately wrap a package in non-descript plain brown paper.

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Congratulations, it appears you have successfully invented the world’s first time machine and traveled back to the year 2002 in order to steal Justin Timberlake’s sense of style.  Why don’t you cry me a river because you certainly aren’t bringing sexyback any time soon.

While you’re at it, why don’t you use your time machine to stop by the late 80s to warn young you that the hi-top fade, rope chain, and MC Hammer pants look won’t last either.

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You son of a bitch.  You would, wouldn’t you.  This isn’t the Mushroom Kingdom and you certainly aren’t Mario so put away all your dirty gold coins.  Not cool dude, not cool at all.

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ironic tshirt

He spends his days searching thrift stores and his nights pouring over the internet looking for the perfect t-shirt.  He has very high standards for his shirts.  Regardless of their quality or condition, they at a minimum must be clever, if not ironic.  He likes his t-shirts to have a message and tell you something about himself.  Here are a few fun and informative facts about him as presented by his t-shirts:

– He was a member of the Whackin’ Wizards team that won the 1986 Buddy C. Clancey Junior High kickball tournament.

– He watches the Thundercats, Captain Planet, and He-Man.

– You’d better keep an eye on him because he supports the Cobras in their epic war against the Joes.

– Jesus is his homeboy.

– He supports his furry friends like the Rescue Rangers, Gizmo, or any of the creatures from Fraggle Rock or Sesame Street.

– His tuxedo t-shirt lets you know that he can be formal and knows when to dress up but relaxed enough to want to party.

– He is single handedly trying to bring back the 1970s retro sports team logos for the NBA, ABA, NFL, and MLB.

– Although he was only three years old, he wants to let you know he somehow got tickets to the 1990 California Raisins concert and worldwide tv event Raisins: Sold Out!  Additionally, he must have a time machine in his basement because he has “vintage” concert t-shirts for bands like the Clash and the Rolling Stones from their respective 1983 world tours.

– He does his civic duty by letting everyone he passes know that he believes “Crack is Whack” even though he was born after N.W.A. came Straight Outta Compton in 1988.

– If, perhaps, your weekend if free, his t-shirt advertises that he has two tickets to the gun show.  You’d better call soon because they look like they may go fast.  He also is offering moustache rides for 5¢.  At a price like that, how could you not take him up on his offer!

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baby bjornHe believes he is a loving husband and doting father.  He would like to carry around the baby to give his significant other the afternoon off.  They’ve got a lot of places to go today: Home Depot to buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that and maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, he doesn’t know if he’ll have enough time.  Other couples pass him in the store and the wives chastise their husbands asking why they can’t be more like him.

However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  If he was in Look Who’s Talking, his baby would tell him that being carried around in a baby bjorn is demeaning and embarrassing for the both of them.  He would be told by the baby that he is baby cock blocking him with the sweet blond in the stroller with the Elmo juice sippy cup over there.  It’s been on since they passed at the Build-A-Bear Workshop, it continued while they shopped in Baby Gap, and after seeing him in the baby bjorn there’s no chance they will be sharing a mat during nap time later.  The baby would remind him that using a baby bjorn is a gateway to a child leash where no one wins.

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