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Posts Tagged ‘girlfriend’

Although he believes he is slick and no one is on to his act, he’s not that hard to spot from a mile away.  We’re on to every one of his scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, flimflams, stratagems, and bamboozles.  No self respecting man’s man would ever want to try out that hot new tea house down the street, get excited about going shoe shopping, or have a Sex and the City viewing party with themed cosmos.  He’s attempting to put time in with the girls in the slim hopes that one of them will eventually think of him as more than a friend.  He acts like he’s just one of the girls, but we know better.

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Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.

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that-guy-with-that-girlYou almost feel sorry for him.  You almost pity him for what he has to deal with.  You almost wish you could take him aside, ask “what are you thinking”, and shake some sense into him.  Almost, but not really.  He has brought this all upon himself.  He has to be aware of the comments, staring, and dirty looks that ensue when he brings her to a social function.  He knows what everyone is thinking and says about her behind their backs.  His girlfriend is not-so-affectionately referred to as That Girl.

So how exactly did he get trapped into being with That Girl?  Although it’s a long and undoubtedly convoluted story, here’s the short version.  One of his mutual friends brought her to a party as his date awhile ago.  After being with the friend for a few weeks, she began to make the rounds in the group hoping that she would become someone’s girlfriend.  Even though he should have known better especially after hearing the details of her sexual promiscuity and neurotic personality from his friends, he ended up taking his turn dating her.

That was his first mistake because everything has gone downhill since then.  Wherever they go, she has to draw attention to herself and usually not in a good way.  She likes to make an entrance wearing barely there clothing that definitely doesn’t cover up her muffin top or tramp stamp tattoo.  Like most guidettes, she looks like a hot mess as she tries to pull off an all Ed Hardy or Juicy Couture outfit with tranny inspired make-up.

Her appearance aside, she is oblivious to the fact that she makes an ass of herself whenever they go out and she embarrasses everyone around her.  Wherever she is, drama, tears, and bipolar behavior is sure to follow.  She walks into the place like she owns it and everyone should know who she is.  She orders copious amounts of alcohol throughout the course of the evening resulting in her becoming a sloppy drunk.  She sings along to every song that is played and acts as though the club DJ is her own personal iPod (we get it; you like Katy Perry, LMFAO, and Cobra Starship).  When “her jam” comes on, she gets up on a table or the bar and dances ala Coyote Ugly sans the talent or coordination.  And make sure to warn everyone in the club if he talks to any other girls or, conversely, they talk to him.  She goes from zero to Jerry Springer levels of crazy assuming that the girl is trying to steal him away from her or that he is already sleeping with her.  If this happens, hopefully he is prepared to become acquainted with club security and the film crew for Cops.

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if you think a hooters girl is in to youHe is faced with a difficult dilemma – he’s hungry and not sure where to go.  On one hand, he could stay in and have a Hungry Man dinner while watching the American Idol results show.  On the other, he could go to the local sports bar with his buddies to watch the big game on the plasma flat screens and have a few drinks.  What will he choose?  He selects the third option – he goes to Hooters by himself to see his best gal Cristal (yes, her name is spelled like the champagne).

He’s been going to the local Hooters weekly for the last four months to see her.  He’s been hooked ever since he first went there to celebrate Jimmy from Accounting’s birthday and she was introduced as their server.  He was taken aback by her beauty and how good she looked in her orange hot pants with tights.  He was so awe struck that he made the mistake of saying everything you should never say to a Hooters Girl.  He erred and made such rookie mistakes as ordering “… a 10-piece wing, hot, breaded, with blue cheese, an order of curly fries, and a side of you!”, telling her “You’re gorgeous! You should be a model!”, and asking her “Can I have your number?”

He is blinded by love and won’t listen to reason when you try to tell him that she’s not into you.  But she remembers my name he says.  Well, you’re in there at least once a week and even the clerk at the adult book store which you frequent knows your name because you’re always there.  But she brings me beer and blue cheese refills.  Everyone gets them.  But she calls me “suge”, “hon”, or “lover”.  She and ever other Hooters Girl call male patrons that.  Also, that’s number two in the Hooter’s training manual under how to get a good tip from a sad, lonely guy.  But she flirts with me whenever she stops by my table.  Rule number one in the manual to get good tips is to do the “lean and squeeze” when she stops to chat with you at your table.

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