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Posts Tagged ‘hook up’

Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.

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It was a magical night back on Nana and Pop-pop’s 50th wedding anniversary.  The sights, the sounds, the ambiance.  It was a night to remember for more than one reason.

The evening started off a little slow as he had to make the rounds catching up with all the seldom seen relatives.  His cousin Jeff just got into law school.  Meghan, his third cousin twice removed, just had her second kid.  Uncle Mort recovered from his broken hip just in time to make it.  Thank goodness for the open bar or he would have thrown himself under Grandpa Pete’s motorized wheelchair just to get away from it all.

That was until he saw her from across the room.  It wasn’t so much that when their eyes met it was like two star-crossed lovers passing in the night.  No, when their eyes met, he could tell.  He could tell that it was on and was going to be a good night.  He’s seen the look she gave him before.  It’s the look that he has often given the ladies.  There’s no getting around it, she just eye-fucked the shit out of him.

Three drinks, two dances, and about a minute of small talk later, they were in the coat room going at it like a couple of teens in the back of a prom night limo after splitting a fifth of Peach Schnapps.  It was one of those sloppy make-outs where you just want to go up to them and say slow down turbo (that is, if you could actually stomach walking in on them).  Seven minutes in heaven later, they composed themselves and walked out to rejoin the festivities.

After a little over the clothes groping, he thought it would only be polite to ask her name.  Jennifer.  Feeling obligated, he followed up.  So Jennifer, where are you from?  Ohio.  Oh, I’ve got some relatives there.  Where in Ohio are you from?  Columbus.  What a coincidence, that’s where my Aunt Lois is from.  That’s weird; my mom’s name is Lois.  Huh.  By any chance, is your uncle’s name Stewart?  Yeah, about that… things just got a whole mess of awkward.

After this genetic disaster wrapped in a familial fiasco topped with a sprinkling of shame, we’re pretty sure you can take their names off the guest list for next summer’s family reunion in Palm Springs.

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know a guy who knows a guy who can hook you upEveryone knows him.  He’s the guy who has the latest gadget or highly anticipated new release before it hits the shelves.  If you need it, he can get it.  Just like Master P, he’s got the hook-up.  He knows a guy who knows a guy who can get you anything you want at a price that makes you question the legality of the transaction.

A 64 inch hi-def tv for $100?  He can get it for you.  A bottle of the world’s most expensive wine, a 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux, which incidentally belonged to Thomas Jefferson?  Sure, not a problem.  It’ll be $250, no questions asked.  What about a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?  It doesn’t even matter that the film isn’t finished being made; he can get you the director’s cut on DVD or Blu-ray.

When pressed about his source for the seemingly unbelievable deals, he simply responds that you don’t need to worry about it.  Does he know a guy at a big box store or someone in manufacturing that can get this stuff wholesale?  It’s better that you didn’t know.  Does he get it from the trunk of a guy’s car or from a guy’s trench coat in an alley somewhere?  He asks you if you really want to know where he get his stuff from and he emphasizes REALLY.  You make the mistake of saying yes and long story short, things end as well for you as with Dave Chappelle when he spent a night out with Wayne Brady.

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