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Posts Tagged ‘media’

What do you do when you get together with your friends for movie night?  Oh, I’m sorry that all of us aren’t as up to date on the latest “it” indie flick or critically acclaimed films that are supposedly shoe-ins for Oscars as your circle of friends.

Some of us like acting that wouldn’t be fit for early 90s tv movies of the week, insanely ridiculous plot lines that often involve inconsistencies and unexplainable yet humorous holes, and home-made quality special effects that high school drama geeks could have one-upped with jimmy rigged props made in their basements.  Some of us like movies that are so bad, cheesy, and borderline unwatchable that they are phenomenally great and must be both revered while at the same time mocked.  Some of us simply like awesomely bad movies.

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Congratulations, it appears you have successfully invented the world’s first time machine and traveled back to the year 2002 in order to steal Justin Timberlake’s sense of style.  Why don’t you cry me a river because you certainly aren’t bringing sexyback any time soon.

While you’re at it, why don’t you use your time machine to stop by the late 80s to warn young you that the hi-top fade, rope chain, and MC Hammer pants look won’t last either.

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He’s all for efficiency and saving both time and resources.  He’s no time thief.  On a daily basis, he asks himself “…for every decision [I] make, is this good for the company?  Am I helping with the company’s strategic vision?”

That’s great he is so committed to the company and what he does. But really, can he not take a five minute break for a little personal time?  We’ve all had that sinking suspicion that when we’re on the phone with him, something isn’t quite right.  There’s an odd echo.  His voice periodically sounds like he is straining.  You’re hearing noises that you shouldn’t hear on a regular phone call.  You wonder to yourself if the call signals got crossed.  Sadly no, your deepest and darkest fear has come true.  He has been multitasking while in the bathroom.

Although we’re sure (i.e. hope and pray) he washed his hands when he was done and used a hand wipe on his electronic gadgets, just to be in the free, don’t ask if you can use his phone or laptop.  And no sir, I will not shake your hand.  I have no interest in a 0.0000000001% chance of an inadvertent stink palm.

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No!  Don’t go in there!  They’re right behind you!  That’s what she said!  Run, bitch, run!

He has modeled his movie going experience after Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show.  Thinking it is his own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and he’s sitting front row center between Crow and Servo, he throws up zingers and one liners like the actors in the movie can actually hear him.  Hopefully he’s at a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show because if not, his “audience participation” will be frowned upon more than when he tries to discretely take that ever so important phone call an hour into the movie.

No, we don’t care if the actor is obviously going to get killed when they walk into the deserted cabin.  It makes sense that they are slowly searching closets on the second floor of the house whose power has been cut when there is a serial killer on the loose.  Of course the scantily clad sorority girl will be able to outrun the killer through the woods and there’s no chance at all that she’ll trip, fall, and twist an ankle.  Really, what could go wrong with midnight skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

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roof jumpYou’d think the skull and crossbones would be enough to let him know that it probably wasn’t the best idea.  Maybe the warning, both in print and as read by a narrator, would make him stop and think that perhaps this might not end well for him.  Letting him know that these are professionals performing under the supervision of other professionals should have raised some type of red flag.  All he had to do was watch the subsequent show to see how it would ultimately end.  I’ll start dialing 9-1-1 because he didn’t listen to the warning and did try this at home.

So where did all this (misguided) audacity and bravado come from?  After watching a bootleg vhs tape in the early 90s, he decided it would be a blast to start a backyard wresting league.  Performing under the persona Hill Street Heathen for about five years, his signature move was a flying elbow off the garage through a burning table.  Perhaps it was one too many 2x4s to the back or steel chairs to the head, but when Jackass first premiered in 2000 he took to it like a hipster embraces ironic detachment.  He watched ever episode learning his craft and finely tuning his marketable skills – gracefully walking a tightrope over an alligator pit with raw chicken hanging from his jockstrap, effortlessly crashing shopping carts into bushes, and efficiently taking a sledge hammer shot to the groin.  However, 2005 and the advent of Youtube tempted him to reach new levels of (pardon the pun) jackassery.  Now, in a matter of seconds he can upload video of all of his stunts that he was saving to show to that special somebody.  Every car jump attempt, rail slide effort ending in a nut shot, and firework experiment will be on display for millions to see with the mere click of a button.  Little does he know, though, that his “stunt” attempts will almost certainly land him on the Fail Blog for the world to watch, critique, and shake their head in disapproval to.

All he had to do was listen to the warnings and not try this at home.  Hopefully he will enjoy the next few months in traction and finally take the warning to heart for next time (because obviously there will be a next time).  Perhaps one day he too will reach the level of infamy of the likes of the Afro Ninja and other Youtube immortals who have tried this at home and failed.  But hey, who knows, maybe he will be offered an opportunity for web redemption on Tosh.0.

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you tell your wife that yes, those jeans do make your butt look fatCome on now.  Really?  I mean really?  Haven’t you been forced to watch enough humorless romantic comedies with Katherine Heigl or vapid t.v. sitcoms to know what you’re suppose to say in this situation?  Couldn’t you pull out that second Twix Bar and stuff it into your mouth to stall until you came up with a better answer?  Have Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, and Renée Zellweger taught you anything?  Apparently not, because you just told your wife that yes, those jeans do make her butt look fat.

How to answer a question like that is the first thing you are ingrained with when you enter into a relationship or get married.  When you are handed your man card, you also get a complimentary copy of the “Man-ual”.  If you took the time to glance through the table of contents, you would have known you could have skipped straight to Chapter Seven which is titled “How to Answer Questions you are bound to be asked.”  In addition to informing you that you should never say the first answer that pops into your head, you are also given pointers and stock answers for other common questions such as “What are you thinking?”, “Am I as attractive as the day we met?”, “Don’t you want to help out more around the house?”, “Am I prettier than her?”, “Did you just check her out?”, “Did you just say something?”, and “Do you think I should get a boob job?”  All you had to do was memorize a few simple fill-in-the-bank stock responses and you would have been money.  But no, of course you didn’t want to take the time to memorize a few key cya phrases.  Are you crazy – you look great in anything.  If anything, those jeans are slimming.  Where’d you go {insert her name here} – a super model just walked in.  If you can memorize all the lines to Caddyshack or the lyrics to White Snake’s “Here I Go Again”, then you can certainly remember a few key lines to help avoid a sex embargo that will last longer than it takes for Hugh Grant to bulk up, undandify himself, and take over Christian Bale’s role in the Batman franchise.

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Spiderman, Spiderman, Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong? Listen bud – He’s got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of the night, At the scene of the crime, Like a streak of light, He arrives just in time!

Spiderman, Spiderman, Friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Wealth and fame, he’s ignored – Action is his reward. To him, Life is a great big bang-up – Wherever there’s a hang-up, You’ll find the Spiderman!

spider man

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