Archive for November, 2009

As a parent, all you can do is work hard, teach them well, and hope for the best.  Sometimes your kids don’t turn out quite as you hope they would but you love them regardless.  Sometimes you luck out and they’re upstanding citizens and productive members of society.  And other times, they don’t listen to a word you say, look and act like Bizarro you, and people wonder how you two are related.  In this case, it sucks to be you because your kid just turned out cooler than you.  Now make yourself scarce and go get him a juice box, little man and I have some business to discuss.


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He’s all for efficiency and saving both time and resources.  He’s no time thief.  On a daily basis, he asks himself “…for every decision [I] make, is this good for the company?  Am I helping with the company’s strategic vision?”

That’s great he is so committed to the company and what he does. But really, can he not take a five minute break for a little personal time?  We’ve all had that sinking suspicion that when we’re on the phone with him, something isn’t quite right.  There’s an odd echo.  His voice periodically sounds like he is straining.  You’re hearing noises that you shouldn’t hear on a regular phone call.  You wonder to yourself if the call signals got crossed.  Sadly no, your deepest and darkest fear has come true.  He has been multitasking while in the bathroom.

Although we’re sure (i.e. hope and pray) he washed his hands when he was done and used a hand wipe on his electronic gadgets, just to be in the free, don’t ask if you can use his phone or laptop.  And no sir, I will not shake your hand.  I have no interest in a 0.0000000001% chance of an inadvertent stink palm.

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It’s one thing that they do all the annoying couple things that we hate to see – finish each others sentences, eat off of each others plates without asking, have couple inside jokes, and show more unnecessary and disgusting pda than the Hot Tub Lovers from Saturday Night Live.

However, they have been together so long that it’s arguable that they’ve gotten a little too comfortable in their relationship.  The mystery is gone and the curtain has lifted:

– They’ve started to watch the same tv shows.  Here’s their TiVo show list: Glee, MANswers, American Idol, Secret Girlfriend, So You Think You Can Dance, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Project Runway.  Surprisingly, the last one is his choice because he thinks Tim Gunn has a “snappy sense of style” and is a “great mentor figure for the designers.”

– They’ve started to dress alike.  Guess which one is wearing Lane Bryant stretch pants and who’s wearing sweat pants, they’ll never tell.  And who can forget Kangol – thank goodness for their matching his and hers tracks suits that come with complementary newsie hats.

– Hygiene has been thrown out the door.  Let’s just leave it at that.

– They’ve adopted the same mannerism.  She watches tv with one hand down her pants and he tries on multiple outfits before heading out to get “just the right look.”

– They’ve imparted useless knowledge upon each other.  He finally knows where the Oyster Fork is located on a formal place setting and she can identify his favorite football team’s “Strong Right Motion 84 Pass-Pitch” play by how the players line up from the huddle.

– Last and not least, they’ve begun to use the bathroom with the door open.  There’s no secrets between them after this.  When visiting them, make sure to never show up unannounced or let your curiosity get the best of you and go into the bathroom with your eyes open.  There are no winners in that game.

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No!  Don’t go in there!  They’re right behind you!  That’s what she said!  Run, bitch, run!

He has modeled his movie going experience after Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show.  Thinking it is his own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and he’s sitting front row center between Crow and Servo, he throws up zingers and one liners like the actors in the movie can actually hear him.  Hopefully he’s at a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show because if not, his “audience participation” will be frowned upon more than when he tries to discretely take that ever so important phone call an hour into the movie.

No, we don’t care if the actor is obviously going to get killed when they walk into the deserted cabin.  It makes sense that they are slowly searching closets on the second floor of the house whose power has been cut when there is a serial killer on the loose.  Of course the scantily clad sorority girl will be able to outrun the killer through the woods and there’s no chance at all that she’ll trip, fall, and twist an ankle.  Really, what could go wrong with midnight skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

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Although he thinks that with his dance and breaking skills he should be in the finals of the Red Bull BC One b-boy battle, when he gets out on the dance floor the question arises as to who will get hurt first – him or those dancing around him.  Although he has “mastered” the likes of the Electric Slide, the Hustle, and the YMCA dance, people often ask if he is okay when he dances because it appears to the casual onlooker that he is having some type of seizure on the dance floor.  God forbid if he ever discovers MTV or Youtube because I don’t know if we can handle his loose (and by loose I mean train wreck) interpretations of Jerkin’, the Stanky Legg, the Ricky Bobby, or Swag Surfin’.

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Nice cowboy hat and belt buckle.  What’s up Marlboro Man?  You get that hat from the farm?  No.  Oh, I see, it was a gift from your niece who picked it up from the swag table at the Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus concert last week.  And that belt with the oversized, almost novelty, belt buckle – did you win it at the rodeo or from the turkey shoot at the county fair?  It was an impulse buy from near the register at Abercrombie & Fitch.  At 36, aren’t you a little old to be shopping there?  But we digress.

That’s great that you order table service and the most expensive bottle in the place, but didn’t you look around and realize this is a dive bar?  That 22 oz. Budweiser Select big beer was a good choice for someone with such discerning taste and a refined palate.  Oh, this is a fine dining establishment and martini bar.  You look like a tool ordering the $350 drink made with Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac, Dom Pérignon champagne, a dash of orange liquor, and garnished with a sapphire in the bottom of the glass to impress the already drunk bar fly cougar he has been hitting on all night.  ‘Nuff said.

Yep, he’s an all around classy dude.  Needless to say, keep on trying.

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It’s coming in here and here, but not so much here, here, and here.  Should we tell him that it’s not quite as full and luxurious as he believes?  Maybe that moustache comb as a gift is a little premature.  By the way, Johnny Depp called and he wants his facial hair back.

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