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Posts Tagged ‘drink specials’

Who needs the respect and admiration of your coworkers when you can clumsily grope the boss’ wife, thrown up in the office ficus, photocopy and subsequently send out copies of your junk to the company’s biggest clients, and pass out on the couch in the break room?

Tis the season to be drunk and tacky.

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Nice cowboy hat and belt buckle.  What’s up Marlboro Man?  You get that hat from the farm?  No.  Oh, I see, it was a gift from your niece who picked it up from the swag table at the Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus concert last week.  And that belt with the oversized, almost novelty, belt buckle – did you win it at the rodeo or from the turkey shoot at the county fair?  It was an impulse buy from near the register at Abercrombie & Fitch.  At 36, aren’t you a little old to be shopping there?  But we digress.

That’s great that you order table service and the most expensive bottle in the place, but didn’t you look around and realize this is a dive bar?  That 22 oz. Budweiser Select big beer was a good choice for someone with such discerning taste and a refined palate.  Oh, this is a fine dining establishment and martini bar.  You look like a tool ordering the $350 drink made with Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac, Dom Pérignon champagne, a dash of orange liquor, and garnished with a sapphire in the bottom of the glass to impress the already drunk bar fly cougar he has been hitting on all night.  ‘Nuff said.

Yep, he’s an all around classy dude.  Needless to say, keep on trying.

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You and your friends decided to switch it up a little and not go to your regular hangout.  Instead, someone suggested going out to the local bar with a DJ and dance floor.  Sounds good everyone thinks; however, little did they know those were famous last words.  You arrive, get a lay of the place, and head over to the bar for the first round of drinks.  After the third round, the women in your group are swaying to the beat and singing along to the chorus of the music playing.  As anyone knows when you’re out with girls in a club, those are two of the universal signs that it’s time to move out to the dance floor before someone tries to get up and dance on the table or a chair.  Preemptively cutting off a scene with a bouncer or having someone crumpled up in a ball on the floor with a twisted ankle, everyone picks up their drinks and heads to a nice looking spot on the dance floor.  You’re feeling the song and have just enough liquid courage to be coordinated and look pretty good out there.  Things are going well and everyone is having a great time until you notice him dancing alone behind one of the girls in the group.  He didn’t come with you, no one seems to know him, and no one invited him over to dance with you guys.  So the question on everyone’s mind is who exactly is he?  In case you haven’t figured it out – spoiler alert – he’s the creepy old guy at the club.

We’ve all encountered him on a night out with friends.  Similar to the guy who pops into other people’s photographs, he’s the guy who creeps around in the shadows of the club only to emerge at opportune times when he can slither onto the floor and dance with unsuspecting ladies.  Materializing on 80s Night or other events that cater to women such as “Ladies Night” or half-priced martini drink specials, he always appears to be the one club goer who is out of place.  Wearing a Member’s Only windbreaker, “mom jeans”, and sensible sneakers, he hangs out on the sidelines until he locks on to an unsuspecting target.  Doing what can only be described as an awkward shuffle and head bob, he slowly moves towards circles of friends, and especially women, on the dance floor.  Careful not to draw attention to himself, he doesn’t directly ask anyone to dance.  He tries to remain inconspicuous while dancing behind and alongside women preoccupied with their friends and having a good time.  But if he is ever caught or levied nasty glances by the group, he sheepishly dance-shuffles back to the shadows to stalk his next target.

You almost feel sorry for him – the key word being almost.  Hey, he’s got a pretty good life.  He’s got his own efficiency apartment with a futon, a sweet black light, a terrarium with a pet snake, and his own mini-fridge well stocked with Hot Pockets.  He drives a 1987 Toyota Corolla in near average condition.  He’s got a good job as a telemarketer for a male-enhancement supplement company.  And he’s got the entire box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for his viewing pleasure.  This tiny dancer is certainly living the high life so please don’t pity him and his club behavior.

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fancy drink guyYou were just recently on vacation at a tropical location or hidden away on a secluded beach.  You got a nice tan, grew a vacation beard, and even tried a few of the local drink specials.

Fast forward a week and you are back to the real world – your 9 to 5 job, traffic, and the stress of everyday life.  It’s Friday night and you’re meeting up with a bunch of your friends at the bar for after work drinks.  They’ve got $2 domestics and $3 import beers, rails and mixers are half priced, and they are promoting a single malt scotch that has been aged 20 years that is suppose to be really nice.  So many choices, what do you choose?

One of your buddies tells the waitress he’ll get everyone the first round of beers.  That’s very generous of him, but you say wait – not so fast.  I just got back from vacation and tried the most fantastic drink there.  It was a drink made with local rum and served in a pineapple with umbrellas and tropical fruit slices.  I think I’ll take one of those please.  Enter the awkward silence and stares…

Rather than order a beer, mixed drink, or some kind of liquor on ice, you opt for the rarely chosen fancy drink.  Your drink of choice is a Cosmo, Velvet Hammer, Appletini, Fuzzy Navel, and any frozen drink preferably made with pineapple, coconut, or mango.  If there is a fruit wedge or tiny umbrella garnish, all the better.

After a long day at the office, fishing crab off the coast of Alaska, chopping wood as a lumberjack, or working as a smelter at the steel mill, nothing quenches your thirst and helps take the edge off like an ice cold Sex on the Beach.  You believe you are man enough to withstand the looks and comments of your friends when you order a Slippery Nipple on dollar beer night at the local sports bar.  You are confident enough in your sexuality as you wear a pink polo with a popped collar to order a Loose Caboose on half price pitcher night.  And nothing says I’m a man’s man and looking for some action tonight like ordering a Hawaiian Screw.

If you order a fancy drink, you don’t really need to ask – your man card has officially been revoked.

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