You’ve thought about it; don’t lie because you know you have. You’ve even taken the time to search “how to make a sex tape” on Google and look at a few of the 23M plus search returns.
You think to yourself, I’ve seen all the greats like Pam Anderson with Tommy Lee (and to a lesser degree Bret Michaels) and the ubiquitous night-vision Paris Hilton tape. You’ve even satisfied your morbid curiosity by checking out the lesser known celebrity sex tapes with the likes of Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell), Fred Durst (of Limp Bizkit), Tanya Harding (the ice skater), Joanie Laurer (Chyna from the WWE), and Kim Kardashian. If they can do it, then so can you. Hey, I’m in shape and pretty adventurous. I bet my girlfriend would be into it or at least could be talked into it after some expert persuasion. I’ve got Super 8 film, a VHS camcorder, or a digital camcorder ready to go. I think this could really work.
However, you have failed to take a few factors into consideration. You might be up for the video, but your girlfriend definitely isn’t and promptly breaks up with you. You can ask random people on the street if they would like to be in a movie or an “erotic art house piece” with you or place an add on Craigslist, but when they show up for the shoot we may be seeing you meet Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. Enjoy spending the next 12-18 months with Joe Francis for not checking the “actors” ids and birthdates.
You also believe that you are in shape, but your idea of being in shape was playing long snapper on the JV football team back in high school from which you graduated in 1983. Although you’re in a work softball league, the team’s idea of practice is carrying the game keg from the car to the dugout. And no, your fantasy football and baseball leagues do not count for exercise purposes. But the question remains, have you ever really taken a good look at yourself without clothes? It’s most likely not a pretty sight and no one looks good making their “O Face.” The camera may add 10 pounds, but the screening of your video will spark a debate over just how many cameras you had going at once.
You’ve seen enough celebrity sex tapes that you believe you will be able to place the camera in the right spots to get the best footage. Hey, if things really get going you think you can just pick up the camera and go for gonzo or gorilla shots. Sorry to break the news to you, but no, you won’t be the Martin Scorsese of the homemade sex tape world and will not be winning any AVN awards any time soon. And no, no one is interested in seeing either the shaky, out of focus, handheld shots or tri-pod aided fixed angle shots of you.
Regardless of what anyone tells you, your mind is made up and you’re going to go for it. Just remember to label the video or disc so that it doesn’t get returned in place of your Netflix movie or, even worse, sent to your family instead of the picture cd from your recent vacation.