While rocking Joe Dirt facial hair and a Van Halen 1978 World Tour t-shirt, he drives around wishing he was in an old school Hot Wheels’ van or that he was Shaggy from Scooby Doo and hanging out with Daphne in the backseat of the Mystery Machine about to get to second base.
He has installed an eight-track and blares the likes of Kiss’ “Rock and Roll All Night” (1975), Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” (1975), Foghat’s “Slow Ride” (1975), Kansas’ “Carry on Wayward Son” (1976), Styx’s “Renegade” (1978), Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” (1978), Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” (1981) taking him back to the days when custom vans were the end all and be all of cool even though he never was.
He has picked one of the ubiquitous van designs such as a wizardly sorcerer, a semi-clothed cave woman, mighty Thor, a ferocious tiger, a curvy lady in some stage of undress, a mountainscape, or smoldering flames. On the interior, he has channeled his inner 70s porn star and brought back the dated designs such as a bobble head doll on the dashboard, wall-to-wall shag carpet, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, a lava lamp, bean bag chairs, Christmas lights around the roof, and a waterbed in the back.
Sounding like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, he has no problem telling you what he’s got under the hood: “We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower.” Apparently none of us know that much about cars because we are all still confused as to how he could fit an engine like that into his van.
But don’t worry if the van’s a rockin’ because nobody is knockin’ and he’s probably inside by himself relieving his past glory days.