Posts Tagged ‘date night’

Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.


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restaurant-staffWe all know who he is once he walks into a restaurant.  Depending on if you’re in the restaurant industry, your spidey-sense may start tingling the moment he decides to dine in your establishment.  He is the restaurant customer who will have his food spit in during the course of the evening.

Pre-meal:  After calling a few days in advance and making reservations for a party to ten, he swaggers into the restaurant an hour and a half late with only one other dining guest.  It appears his bottle of Drakkar Noir spilled all over him as he was getting ready for the evening because the host could smell him coming and it was so bad that they were considering calling the local haz-mat team to check out the mysterious yet foul odor.  He proceeds to get upset that his table has been given away after it has been held for an hour.  Although he was told over the phone that he wouldn’t be seated until his entire party was present, he gets defensive and agitated that he and his guest can’t be seated right away.  After his tantrum passes, he is begrudgingly led to his table.  However, after about two minutes he gives his server the proverbial finger and tells them that the remaining eight guests won’t be showing up and it is just two for dinner tonight.  Have fun taking apart eight place settings and removing two tables because he will be watching the server like a hawk and making asinine comments about how unprepared the restaurant is.

At the table:  Once the table is broken down, he proceeds to get on his phone.  Not only is he on his phone and Bluetooth the entire time the server is taking orders, he makes sure to talk loud enough that everyone knows the results from his most recent std test and that because they came back negative, he will be out partying it up later with his club promoter pals.  Graciously, he pauses in his phone conversation just long enough to order an entrée that is not on the menu.  In addition, he unilaterally decides to make substitutions to his sides and appetizers.  While the food is being prepared, he proceeds to order round after round of shots getting him and his dinner companion considerably drunk.  After hitting on his server and the bartender bringing the shots, he begins to sloppily make out with his dinner guest and gets into it so much that it reminds him of the beginning of his favorite food related movie, Julie does Julia.  At least it could be worse, he could have brought his damn wiener kids who don’t behave, have no semblance of manners, and are barely coordinated enough to get 10% of the food they throw at their faces in their mouths.

Post-meal:  Although he finished his meal nearly an hour ago, he is still at his table keeping his server there after their shift was scheduled to end.  When he is finally ready to go, he snaps at the server and repeatedly makes check signs in the air until he catches their attention.  Once he gets the check, the issue of the tip comes to the forefront.  He has to decide how and how much, if any, he would like to tip.  When he walked in and was seated, he placed twenty dollars in ones on the table and told his server that this would be their tip and every time they make a mistake he will take a dollar away.  Although he took away quite a few dollars for nitpicky things he made sure to point out to the server, he is toying with cleaning out his parking money stash and tipping in all change.  Like the Grinch who suddenly grew a heart, he fights the urge to not tip and leaves a whopping 11% gratuity on the check.  And as he signs his credit card receipt, he steals the server’s last pen to boot.

After being such as classy and agreeable restaurant patron, he wonders why that little voice in the back of his head says to check all his food for spit prior to eating it every time he goes out.

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