Posts Tagged ‘drunk’

Who needs the respect and admiration of your coworkers when you can clumsily grope the boss’ wife, thrown up in the office ficus, photocopy and subsequently send out copies of your junk to the company’s biggest clients, and pass out on the couch in the break room?

Tis the season to be drunk and tacky.


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You and your friends decided to switch it up a little and not go to your regular hangout.  Instead, someone suggested going out to the local bar with a DJ and dance floor.  Sounds good everyone thinks; however, little did they know those were famous last words.  You arrive, get a lay of the place, and head over to the bar for the first round of drinks.  After the third round, the women in your group are swaying to the beat and singing along to the chorus of the music playing.  As anyone knows when you’re out with girls in a club, those are two of the universal signs that it’s time to move out to the dance floor before someone tries to get up and dance on the table or a chair.  Preemptively cutting off a scene with a bouncer or having someone crumpled up in a ball on the floor with a twisted ankle, everyone picks up their drinks and heads to a nice looking spot on the dance floor.  You’re feeling the song and have just enough liquid courage to be coordinated and look pretty good out there.  Things are going well and everyone is having a great time until you notice him dancing alone behind one of the girls in the group.  He didn’t come with you, no one seems to know him, and no one invited him over to dance with you guys.  So the question on everyone’s mind is who exactly is he?  In case you haven’t figured it out – spoiler alert – he’s the creepy old guy at the club.

We’ve all encountered him on a night out with friends.  Similar to the guy who pops into other people’s photographs, he’s the guy who creeps around in the shadows of the club only to emerge at opportune times when he can slither onto the floor and dance with unsuspecting ladies.  Materializing on 80s Night or other events that cater to women such as “Ladies Night” or half-priced martini drink specials, he always appears to be the one club goer who is out of place.  Wearing a Member’s Only windbreaker, “mom jeans”, and sensible sneakers, he hangs out on the sidelines until he locks on to an unsuspecting target.  Doing what can only be described as an awkward shuffle and head bob, he slowly moves towards circles of friends, and especially women, on the dance floor.  Careful not to draw attention to himself, he doesn’t directly ask anyone to dance.  He tries to remain inconspicuous while dancing behind and alongside women preoccupied with their friends and having a good time.  But if he is ever caught or levied nasty glances by the group, he sheepishly dance-shuffles back to the shadows to stalk his next target.

You almost feel sorry for him – the key word being almost.  Hey, he’s got a pretty good life.  He’s got his own efficiency apartment with a futon, a sweet black light, a terrarium with a pet snake, and his own mini-fridge well stocked with Hot Pockets.  He drives a 1987 Toyota Corolla in near average condition.  He’s got a good job as a telemarketer for a male-enhancement supplement company.  And he’s got the entire box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for his viewing pleasure.  This tiny dancer is certainly living the high life so please don’t pity him and his club behavior.

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ed hardy beerAlthough we don’t normally do this, we would like to supplement our previous post on wearing Ed Hardy.  Now you can not only look like a douche bag, you can also drink and get drunk like one too.  You can now drink Ed Hardy brand beer.

In a shrewd business move made in an effort to expand the brand of choice for those that try too hard, Ed Hardy has partnered with a little known Mexican brewer to bring Ed Hardy Light Beer and Ed Hardy Premium Beer to the masses.  Adorned with the likes of a tiger and flaming skull with a dagger through it, the bottles appear to be geared towards those who are fans of the “lifestyle brand.”

For those readers that will inevitably say something along the lines of don’t knock it until you try it, here’s a review from our recent tasting of the beers.

Aroma:  Smells of desperation, hair gel, and Axe body spray with subtle hints of day old stripper sweat and Jägerbombs.

Appearance:  Pours a radiant shade of silver bedazzle and glitter that inexplicably turns an unnatural shade of brown or orange in the vein of fake tanners.  At first glance you think drinking it makes you look like you are partying like a rockstar; however, you just end up looking like Jon Gosselin.

Flavor:  Tastes like Red Bull and vodka mixed a strain of hepatitis only found in girls that would hang out with THESE guys.

Palate:  A bitter and sobering finish when you realize you just paid for and drank an Ed Hardy beer.

Overall:  Fail.

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