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Posts Tagged ‘club’

Although he thinks that with his dance and breaking skills he should be in the finals of the Red Bull BC One b-boy battle, when he gets out on the dance floor the question arises as to who will get hurt first – him or those dancing around him.  Although he has “mastered” the likes of the Electric Slide, the Hustle, and the YMCA dance, people often ask if he is okay when he dances because it appears to the casual onlooker that he is having some type of seizure on the dance floor.  God forbid if he ever discovers MTV or Youtube because I don’t know if we can handle his loose (and by loose I mean train wreck) interpretations of Jerkin’, the Stanky Legg, the Ricky Bobby, or Swag Surfin’.

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guidosThe guido is located almost exclusively in New York or New Jersey and rarely travels outside of the tri-state area.  Only during the summer months does he travel outside of his natural habitat to migrate east to the Jersey Shore where he rents a house for the entire summer with twenty other guidos or guidettes (female guidos).

During the fall, winter, and spring, you will most likely find him working in the food service industry or doing some kind of construction.  When not working, he will spend his time at the gym lifting weights in anticipation of summer or visiting a tanning salon until he gets an unnatural shade of brown (or orange if he self tans because he has a bodybuilding contest this weekend in Atlantic City).  Some say he is nocturnal because he is spotted at dance clubs every evening that focus exclusively on club, house, hip-hop, or eurotrash music.  His favorite dance move is the guido fist pump which consists of pumping a clenched fist in the air to the beat of the music as you take off your shirt to show off your unnaturally tan and ‘roid ripped body.  His drink of choice is Miller/Bud Lite or anything that contains either Jägermeister or Red Bull.

He is very easy to spot.  As already mentioned, he will be unusually tan or orange in color and muscular from being an amateur body builder.  His hair will be exceptionally gelled and almost certainly spiked up.  He will be wearing some kind of gold chain around his neck and oversized fake diamond earrings in both ears he most likely borrowed from his guidette sister.  His outfit consists of designer name brand jeans or trackpants and a shirt with a zipper that is so tight that it must have been bought at Baby Gap for Guidos (otherwise he wears a tanktop, an unbuttoned shirt, or no shirt at all).  When a picture is taken of him, he most likely leans back and puckers his lips for no apparent reason.

If you are still unsure how to spot him, see the excellent documentary Guido Beach.

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