He was in a crowded department store when the dreaded stomach issues initially arose. First, his stomach began to inexplicably tighten. He felt what he thought was gas pressure begin to build inside him. He soon realized that this was no mere stomach twinge; he was about to have an onslaught of uncontrollable flatulence. He knew time was of the essence and that he needed to get to the bathroom before he had an “accident”. He quietly and quickly excused himself as he made a break for the bathroom doing the easily identifiable clenched butt shuffle. He saw a sign for the restroom; however, it happened to be on the other side of the store. As he made his way through ladies shoes and the fragrance departments, the pressure was so immense that he just had to relieve it a little bit. He thought he could control his “shutter speed” and would be able to make it to the bathroom just in time. Boy was he wrong…
Rather than merely having a “turtle poke his head out of the shell”, he sharted himself. For our readers who are unfamiliar with the math, here’s the basic equation:
Shart = (Shit + Fart) – Clean Pants – Dignity
Quite often, he will shart by mistake. He miscalculates the ratio of his ethnic food intake with that of his proximity and ability to actually make it to the nearest restroom. He may believe that he is merely passing wind that is not backed with the force of a dirty tsunami. Or he may have just failed to read the ingredient label and had one too many chips that contained Olestra. Very rarely does sharting occur on purpose; it seems to only occur in guy farting contests where no one emerges as a winner.
Like with the “prairie dog who won’t go back in its hole”, the question arises as to what he should do next. Depending on how confident he is with his acting ability around guests or his fellow coworkers, he may say “Screw it, I can play it off and cover it up through the day. I’ll wipe later.” The more likely situation will involve him discretely making his way to the bathroom to survey the damage. He may try to wipe off the evidence, rinse with soap and water, and go about his day like nothing ever happened. He may try to MacGyver it and salvage makeshift underwear from the remnants. He potentially may run to the nearest department store to replace his soiled clothes. Or he may try the commando option which is a popular choice when faced with his predicament. He will almost certainly need to be careful with this option because now he doesn’t have the underwear buffer between a concealed incident and a repeat performance cementing his status as the office sharter.