She says it happens to everyone

Sorry to break it to you and lay down some hard truths.  Not really sure how to tell you this, so here it goes: (i)  No, it really doesn’t happen to everyone and (ii) When she says it was good for her too, she’s lying.

Read Full Post »

You made out with your cousin that one time

It was a magical night back on Nana and Pop-pop’s 50^th wedding anniversary.  The sights, the sounds, the ambiance.  It was a night to remember for more than one reason.

The evening started off a little slow as he had to make the rounds catching up with all the seldom seen relatives.  His cousin Jeff just got into law school.  Meghan, his third cousin twice removed, just had her second kid.  Uncle Mort recovered from his broken hip just in time to make it.  Thank goodness for the open bar or he would have thrown himself under Grandpa Pete’s motorized wheelchair just to get away from it all.

That was until he saw her from across the room.  It wasn’t so much that when their eyes met it was like two star-crossed lovers passing in the night.  No, when their eyes met, he could tell.  He could tell that it was on and was going to be a good night.  He’s seen the look she gave him before.  It’s the look that he has often given the ladies.  There’s no getting around it, she just eye-fucked the shit out of him.

Three drinks, two dances, and about a minute of small talk later, they were in the coat room going at it like a couple of teens in the back of a prom night limo after splitting a fifth of Peach Schnapps.  It was one of those sloppy make-outs where you just want to go up to them and say slow down turbo (that is, if you could actually stomach walking in on them).  Seven minutes in heaven later, they composed themselves and walked out to rejoin the festivities.

After a little over the clothes groping, he thought it would only be polite to ask her name.  Jennifer.  Feeling obligated, he followed up.  So Jennifer, where are you from?  Ohio.  Oh, I’ve got some relatives there.  Where in Ohio are you from?  Columbus.  What a coincidence, that’s where my Aunt Lois is from.  That’s weird; my mom’s name is Lois.  Huh.  By any chance, is your uncle’s name Stewart?  Yeah, about that… things just got a whole mess of awkward.

After this genetic disaster wrapped in a familial fiasco topped with a sprinkling of shame, we’re pretty sure you can take their names off the guest list for next summer’s family reunion in Palm Springs.

Read Full Post »

You’ve gotten a little too comfortable in your relationship

It’s one thing that they do all the annoying couple things that we hate to see – finish each others sentences, eat off of each others plates without asking, have couple inside jokes, and show more unnecessary and disgusting pda than the Hot Tub Lovers from Saturday Night Live.

However, they have been together so long that it’s arguable that they’ve gotten a little too comfortable in their relationship.  The mystery is gone and the curtain has lifted:

– They’ve started to watch the same tv shows.  Here’s their TiVo show list: Glee, MANswers, American Idol, Secret Girlfriend, So You Think You Can Dance, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Project Runway.  Surprisingly, the last one is his choice because he thinks Tim Gunn has a “snappy sense of style” and is a “great mentor figure for the designers.”

– They’ve started to dress alike.  Guess which one is wearing Lane Bryant stretch pants and who’s wearing sweat pants, they’ll never tell.  And who can forget Kangol – thank goodness for their matching his and hers tracks suits that come with complementary newsie hats.

– Hygiene has been thrown out the door.  Let’s just leave it at that.

– They’ve adopted the same mannerism.  She watches tv with one hand down her pants and he tries on multiple outfits before heading out to get “just the right look.”

– They’ve imparted useless knowledge upon each other.  He finally knows where the Oyster Fork is located on a formal place setting and she can identify his favorite football team’s “Strong Right Motion 84 Pass-Pitch” play by how the players line up from the huddle.

– Last and not least, they’ve begun to use the bathroom with the door open.  There’s no secrets between them after this.  When visiting them, make sure to never show up unannounced or let your curiosity get the best of you and go into the bathroom with your eyes open.  There are no winners in that game.

Read Full Post »

You tell your wife that yes, those jeans do make your butt look fat

Come on now.  Really?  I mean really?  Haven’t you been forced to watch enough humorless romantic comedies with Katherine Heigl or vapid t.v. sitcoms to know what you’re suppose to say in this situation?  Couldn’t you pull out that second Twix Bar and stuff it into your mouth to stall until you came up with a better answer?  Have Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, and Renée Zellweger taught you anything?  Apparently not, because you just told your wife that yes, those jeans do make her butt look fat.

How to answer a question like that is the first thing you are ingrained with when you enter into a relationship or get married.  When you are handed your man card, you also get a complimentary copy of the “Man-ual”.  If you took the time to glance through the table of contents, you would have known you could have skipped straight to Chapter Seven which is titled “How to Answer Questions you are bound to be asked.”  In addition to informing you that you should never say the first answer that pops into your head, you are also given pointers and stock answers for other common questions such as “What are you thinking?”, “Am I as attractive as the day we met?”, “Don’t you want to help out more around the house?”, “Am I prettier than her?”, “Did you just check her out?”, “Did you just say something?”, and “Do you think I should get a boob job?”  All you had to do was memorize a few simple fill-in-the-bank stock responses and you would have been money.  But no, of course you didn’t want to take the time to memorize a few key cya phrases.  Are you crazy – you look great in anything.  If anything, those jeans are slimming.  Where’d you go {insert her name here} – a super model just walked in.  If you can memorize all the lines to Caddyshack or the lyrics to White Snake’s “Here I Go Again”, then you can certainly remember a few key lines to help avoid a sex embargo that will last longer than it takes for Hugh Grant to bulk up, undandify himself, and take over Christian Bale’s role in the Batman franchise.

Read Full Post »