You might be “That Guy” if you’re a hipster

This title is a bit misleading.  “Hipster” is a ubiquitous term that can refer to either a male or female individual who contains hipster tendencies and characteristics (compare this to the Guido/Guidette distinction).

Contrary to popular belief, there are multiple varieties of hipsters.  A full analysis and discussion of the varied types of hipsters is well-beyond the scope of this posting.  However, if you would like to learn of the breeds, visit “The Source” for a three-part series on classifying and categorizing hipsters.  For those who don’t have the time to read the series, “The Source” generally organizes hipsters into twelve groups: the natural, the newbie, the academic, the dilettante, the flower child, the detached ironic, the yuppie, the artiste, the ex-apt, the activist, the health nut, and the emo-goth.  I will attempt to summarize the various types of hipsters into a common set of characteristics.

The mecca of hipsterdom is without a doubt Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  If hipsters were a plague, Brooklyn would be the patient zero outbreak site.  All hipsters aspire to live in or at least take a hajj to their promised land.  However, if they are unable to live in Williamsburg other acceptable locations include Austin, Texas and Portland, Oregon.

In those locations, hipster usually reside in converted lofts or studio apartments.  With only unpaid internships at Pitchfork/Vice/Radar/Nylon Magazine, being members of multiple bands with names such as Manginica (plays music about the benefits of looking and dressing androgynously) or There’s A Ghost In My Closet (plays music about ghosts with sounds that emulate ghost calls), going to zombie parties (including dance parties, bar crawls, and playing kickball while in zombie make-up), and making great videos like this (The Hipster Olympics), they don’t have much time to have gainful employment.  Then how exactly do they afford their apartments, buy pre-made fixed gear bicycles, pay for their Parliament Menthols and PBR tallboys, and fund their weekend coke habits?  Why with their trust funds of course!  After attending prestigious northeastern prep schools and small private liberal arts colleges funded by mommy and daddy, they move to Williamsburg, Austin, or Portland and live off of their trust funds.

Now you know where they are located and what they do, the question still remains as how to spot him when you encounter “That Guy.”  He will most likely have messy or two-toned hair that obscures his vision over just one eye.  But don’t worry about “That Guy” not being able to see because he will have his unnecessary black thick rimmed nerdy glasses.  If not glasses, he will often be wearing a pair of oversized brightly colored plastic sunglasses at nighttime.  Just like his haircut, if he can grow facial hair, it will most likely be something “ironic” like a handlebar mustache or muttonchops.  Regardless of the season or how hot it is outside, “That Guy” will be wearing some kind of bandana or almost certainly a keffiyeh.  There is a very good chance he will be wearing a shirt from American Apparel, from a thrift / vintage store, or from Urban Outfitters.  Who knew “That Guy” was a mathlete at John F. Kennedy Elementary School back in 1987, that he supports hugs for drugs, or that he is a fan of airbrushed tigers that should appear on the side of a conversion van circa 1976?  His pants will be so tight that they are cutting off the circulation to his legs – someone should tell his sister in middle school that her brother borrowed a pair of her skinny jeans.  To compliment his outfit, “That Guy” will be wearing Converse or some type of neon colored Nikes.  But remember, regardless of what article of clothing it is, he will have to rip holes in it, break it in, and de-new the clothes before wearing them out.

Who knew it was such hard work to appear apathetic?  Oh right, “That Guy” did.